Act IV, Scene 2

OLIVIA’s house.

[Enter MARIA and Clown]

• Maria. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
  make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
  it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.

[Exit]

• Feste. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself 2025
  in't; and I would I were the first that ever
  dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
  become the function well, nor lean enough to be
  thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
  and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a 2030
  careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.

[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

• Sir Toby Belch. Jove bless thee, master Parson.

• Feste. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
  Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily 2035
  said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
  so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
  what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?

• Sir Toby Belch. To him, Sir Topas.

• Feste. What, ho, I say! peace in this prison! 2040

• Sir Toby Belch. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.

• Malvolio. [Within] Who calls there?

• Feste. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
  the lunatic.

• Malvolio. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady. 2045

• Feste. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
  talkest thou nothing but of ladies?

• Sir Toby Belch. Well said, Master Parson.

• Malvolio. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
  Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me 2050
  here in hideous darkness.

• Feste. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
  modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
  that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
  sayest thou that house is dark? 2055

• Malvolio. As hell, Sir Topas.

• Feste. Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
  and the clearstores toward the south north are as
  lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
  obstruction? 2060

• Malvolio. I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.

• Feste. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
  but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
  the Egyptians in their fog.

• Malvolio. I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though 2065
  ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
  was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
  are: make the trial of it in any constant question.

• Feste. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?

• Malvolio. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird. 2070

• Feste. What thinkest thou of his opinion?

• Malvolio. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.

• Feste. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
  thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
  allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest 2075
  thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.

• Malvolio. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!

• Sir Toby Belch. My most exquisite Sir Topas!

• Feste. Nay, I am for all waters.

• Maria. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and 2080
  gown: he sees thee not.

• Sir Toby Belch. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
  thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
  knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
  would he were, for I am now so far in offence with 2085
  my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
  sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.

[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]

• Feste. [Singing]
  'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin, 2090
  Tell me how thy lady does.'

• Malvolio. Fool!

• Feste. 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'

• Malvolio. Fool!

• Feste. 'Alas, why is she so?' 2095

• Malvolio. Fool, I say!

• Feste. 'She loves another'—Who calls, ha?

• Malvolio. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
  hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
  as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to 2100
  thee for't.

• Feste. Master Malvolio?

• Malvolio. Ay, good fool.

• Feste. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?

• Malvolio. Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I 2105
  am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.

• Feste. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
  better in your wits than a fool.

• Malvolio. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
  send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to 2110
  face me out of my wits.

• Feste. Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
  Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
  endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
  bibble babble. 2115

• Malvolio. Sir Topas!

• Feste. Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
  sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
  Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.

• Malvolio. Fool, fool, fool, I say! 2120

• Feste. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
  shent for speaking to you.

• Malvolio. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
  tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.

• Feste. Well-a-day that you were, sir 2125

• Malvolio. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
  light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
  it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
  of letter did.

• Feste. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you 2130
  not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?

• Malvolio. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.

• Feste. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
  brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.

• Malvolio. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I 2135
  prithee, be gone.

• Feste. [Singing]
  I am gone, sir,
  And anon, sir,
  I'll be with you again, 2140
  In a trice,
  Like to the old Vice,
  Your need to sustain;
  Who, with dagger of lath,
  In his rage and his wrath, 2145
  Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
  Like a mad lad,
  Pare thy nails, dad;
  Adieu, good man devil.

[Exit]