[Enter MARIA and Clown]
- Maria. Nay, I prithee, put on this gown and this beard;
make him believe thou art Sir Topas the curate: do
it quickly; I'll call Sir Toby the whilst.
- Feste. Well, I'll put it on, and I will dissemble myself
in't; and I would I were the first that ever
dissembled in such a gown. I am not tall enough to
become the function well, nor lean enough to be
thought a good student; but to be said an honest man
and a good housekeeper goes as fairly as to say a
careful man and a great scholar. The competitors enter.
[Enter SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
- Sir Toby Belch. Jove bless thee, master Parson.
- Feste. Bonos dies, Sir Toby: for, as the old hermit of
Prague, that never saw pen and ink, very wittily
said to a niece of King Gorboduc, 'That that is is;'
so I, being Master Parson, am Master Parson; for,
what is 'that' but 'that,' and 'is' but 'is'?
- Sir Toby Belch. To him, Sir Topas.
- Feste. What, ho, I say! peace in this prison!
- Sir Toby Belch. The knave counterfeits well; a good knave.
- Malvolio. [Within] Who calls there?
- Feste. Sir Topas the curate, who comes to visit Malvolio
- Malvolio. Sir Topas, Sir Topas, good Sir Topas, go to my lady.
- Feste. Out, hyperbolical fiend! how vexest thou this man!
talkest thou nothing but of ladies?
- Sir Toby Belch. Well said, Master Parson.
- Malvolio. Sir Topas, never was man thus wronged: good Sir
Topas, do not think I am mad: they have laid me
here in hideous darkness.
- Feste. Fie, thou dishonest Satan! I call thee by the most
modest terms; for I am one of those gentle ones
that will use the devil himself with courtesy:
sayest thou that house is dark?
- Malvolio. As hell, Sir Topas.
- Feste. Why it hath bay windows transparent as barricadoes,
and the clearstores toward the south north are as
lustrous as ebony; and yet complainest thou of
- Malvolio. I am not mad, Sir Topas: I say to you, this house is dark.
- Feste. Madman, thou errest: I say, there is no darkness
but ignorance; in which thou art more puzzled than
the Egyptians in their fog.
- Malvolio. I say, this house is as dark as ignorance, though
ignorance were as dark as hell; and I say, there
was never man thus abused. I am no more mad than you
are: make the trial of it in any constant question.
- Feste. What is the opinion of Pythagoras concerning wild fowl?
- Malvolio. That the soul of our grandam might haply inhabit a bird.
- Feste. What thinkest thou of his opinion?
- Malvolio. I think nobly of the soul, and no way approve his opinion.
- Feste. Fare thee well. Remain thou still in darkness:
thou shalt hold the opinion of Pythagoras ere I will
allow of thy wits, and fear to kill a woodcock, lest
thou dispossess the soul of thy grandam. Fare thee well.
- Malvolio. Sir Topas, Sir Topas!
- Sir Toby Belch. My most exquisite Sir Topas!
- Feste. Nay, I am for all waters.
- Maria. Thou mightst have done this without thy beard and
gown: he sees thee not.
- Sir Toby Belch. To him in thine own voice, and bring me word how
thou findest him: I would we were well rid of this
knavery. If he may be conveniently delivered, I
would he were, for I am now so far in offence with
my niece that I cannot pursue with any safety this
sport to the upshot. Come by and by to my chamber.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH and MARIA]
- Feste. [Singing]
'Hey, Robin, jolly Robin,
Tell me how thy lady does.'
- Feste. 'My lady is unkind, perdy.'
- Feste. 'Alas, why is she so?'
- Feste. 'She loves another'—Who calls, ha?
- Malvolio. Good fool, as ever thou wilt deserve well at my
hand, help me to a candle, and pen, ink and paper:
as I am a gentleman, I will live to be thankful to
- Feste. Alas, sir, how fell you besides your five wits?
- Malvolio. Fool, there was never a man so notoriously abused: I
am as well in my wits, fool, as thou art.
- Feste. But as well? then you are mad indeed, if you be no
better in your wits than a fool.
- Malvolio. They have here propertied me; keep me in darkness,
send ministers to me, asses, and do all they can to
face me out of my wits.
- Feste. Advise you what you say; the minister is here.
Malvolio, Malvolio, thy wits the heavens restore!
endeavour thyself to sleep, and leave thy vain
- Feste. Maintain no words with him, good fellow. Who, I,
sir? not I, sir. God be wi' you, good Sir Topas.
Merry, amen. I will, sir, I will.
- Malvolio. Fool, fool, fool, I say!
- Feste. Alas, sir, be patient. What say you sir? I am
shent for speaking to you.
- Malvolio. Good fool, help me to some light and some paper: I
tell thee, I am as well in my wits as any man in Illyria.
- Feste. Well-a-day that you were, sir
- Malvolio. By this hand, I am. Good fool, some ink, paper and
light; and convey what I will set down to my lady:
it shall advantage thee more than ever the bearing
of letter did.
- Feste. I will help you to't. But tell me true, are you
not mad indeed? or do you but counterfeit?
- Malvolio. Believe me, I am not; I tell thee true.
- Feste. Nay, I'll ne'er believe a madman till I see his
brains. I will fetch you light and paper and ink.
- Malvolio. Fool, I'll requite it in the highest degree: I
prithee, be gone.
- Feste. [Singing]
I am gone, sir,
And anon, sir,
I'll be with you again,
In a trice,
Like to the old Vice,
Your need to sustain;
Who, with dagger of lath,
In his rage and his wrath,
Cries, ah, ha! to the devil:
Like a mad lad,
Pare thy nails, dad;
Adieu, good man devil.