Act II, Scene 2

A room in the Garter Inn.

[Enter FALSTAFF and PISTOL]

• Falstaff. I will not lend thee a penny.

• Pistol. Why, then the world's mine oyster.
  Which I with sword will open.

• Falstaff. Not a penny. I have been content, sir, you should
  lay my countenance to pawn; I have grated upon my 800
  good friends for three reprieves for you and your
  coach-fellow Nym; or else you had looked through
  the grate, like a geminy of baboons. I am damned in
  hell for swearing to gentlemen my friends, you were
  good soldiers and tall fellows; and when Mistress 805
  Bridget lost the handle of her fan, I took't upon
  mine honour thou hadst it not.

• Pistol. Didst not thou share? hadst thou not fifteen pence?

• Falstaff. Reason, you rogue, reason: thinkest thou I'll
  endanger my soul gratis? At a word, hang no more 810
  about me, I am no gibbet for you. Go. A short knife
  and a throng! To your manor of Pickt-hatch! Go.
  You'll not bear a letter for me, you rogue! you
  stand upon your honour! Why, thou unconfinable
  baseness, it is as much as I can do to keep the 815
  terms of my honour precise: I, I, I myself
  sometimes, leaving the fear of God on the left hand
  and hiding mine honour in my necessity, am fain to
  shuffle, to hedge and to lurch; and yet you, rogue,
  will ensconce your rags, your cat-a-mountain 820
  looks, your red-lattice phrases, and your
  bold-beating oaths, under the shelter of your
  honour! You will not do it, you!

• Pistol. I do relent: what would thou more of man?

[Enter ROBIN]

• Robin. Sir, here's a woman would speak with you.

• Falstaff. Let her approach.

[Enter MISTRESS QUICKLY]

• Hostess Quickly. Give your worship good morrow.

• Falstaff. Good morrow, good wife. 830

• Hostess Quickly. Not so, an't please your worship.

• Falstaff. Good maid, then.

• Hostess Quickly. I'll be sworn,
  As my mother was, the first hour I was born.

• Falstaff. I do believe the swearer. What with me? 835

• Hostess Quickly. Shall I vouchsafe your worship a word or two?

• Falstaff. Two thousand, fair woman: and I'll vouchsafe thee
  the hearing.

• Hostess Quickly. There is one Mistress Ford, sir:—I pray, come a
  little nearer this ways:—I myself dwell with master 840
  Doctor Caius,—

• Falstaff. Well, on: Mistress Ford, you say,—

• Hostess Quickly. Your worship says very true: I pray your worship,
  come a little nearer this ways.

• Falstaff. I warrant thee, nobody hears; mine own people, mine 845
  own people.

• Hostess Quickly. Are they so? God bless them and make them his servants!

• Falstaff. Well, Mistress Ford; what of her?

• Hostess Quickly. Why, sir, she's a good creature. Lord Lord! your
  worship's a wanton! Well, heaven forgive you and all 850
  of us, I pray!

• Falstaff. Mistress Ford; come, Mistress Ford,—

• Hostess Quickly. Marry, this is the short and the long of it; you
  have brought her into such a canaries as 'tis
  wonderful. The best courtier of them all, when the 855
  court lay at Windsor, could never have brought her
  to such a canary. Yet there has been knights, and
  lords, and gentlemen, with their coaches, I warrant
  you, coach after coach, letter after letter, gift
  after gift; smelling so sweetly, all musk, and so 860
  rushling, I warrant you, in silk and gold; and in
  such alligant terms; and in such wine and sugar of
  the best and the fairest, that would have won any
  woman's heart; and, I warrant you, they could never
  get an eye-wink of her: I had myself twenty angels 865
  given me this morning; but I defy all angels, in
  any such sort, as they say, but in the way of
  honesty: and, I warrant you, they could never get
  her so much as sip on a cup with the proudest of
  them all: and yet there has been earls, nay, which 870
  is more, pensioners; but, I warrant you, all is one with her.

• Falstaff. But what says she to me? be brief, my good
  she-Mercury.

• Hostess Quickly. Marry, she hath received your letter, for the which
  she thanks you a thousand times; and she gives you 875
  to notify that her husband will be absence from his
  house between ten and eleven.

• Falstaff. Ten and eleven?

• Hostess Quickly. Ay, forsooth; and then you may come and see the
  picture, she says, that you wot of: Master Ford, 880
  her husband, will be from home. Alas! the sweet
  woman leads an ill life with him: he's a very
  jealousy man: she leads a very frampold life with
  him, good heart.

• Falstaff. Ten and eleven. Woman, commend me to her; I will 885
  not fail her.

• Hostess Quickly. Why, you say well. But I have another messenger to
  your worship. Mistress Page hath her hearty
  commendations to you too: and let me tell you in
  your ear, she's as fartuous a civil modest wife, and 890
  one, I tell you, that will not miss you morning nor
  evening prayer, as any is in Windsor, whoe'er be the
  other: and she bade me tell your worship that her
  husband is seldom from home; but she hopes there
  will come a time. I never knew a woman so dote upon 895
  a man: surely I think you have charms, la; yes, in truth.

• Falstaff. Not I, I assure thee: setting the attractions of my
  good parts aside I have no other charms.

• Hostess Quickly. Blessing on your heart for't!

• Falstaff. But, I pray thee, tell me this: has Ford's wife and 900
  Page's wife acquainted each other how they love me?

• Hostess Quickly. That were a jest indeed! they have not so little
  grace, I hope: that were a trick indeed! but
  Mistress Page would desire you to send her your
  little page, of all loves: her husband has a 905
  marvellous infection to the little page; and truly
  Master Page is an honest man. Never a wife in
  Windsor leads a better life than she does: do what
  she will, say what she will, take all, pay all, go
  to bed when she list, rise when she list, all is as 910
  she will: and truly she deserves it; for if there
  be a kind woman in Windsor, she is one. You must
  send her your page; no remedy.

• Falstaff. Why, I will.

• Hostess Quickly. Nay, but do so, then: and, look you, he may come and 915
  go between you both; and in any case have a
  nay-word, that you may know one another's mind, and
  the boy never need to understand any thing; for
  'tis not good that children should know any
  wickedness: old folks, you know, have discretion, 920
  as they say, and know the world.

• Falstaff. Fare thee well: commend me to them both: there's
  my purse; I am yet thy debtor. Boy, go along with
  this woman.
  [Exeunt MISTRESS QUICKLY and ROBIN] 925
  This news distracts me!

• Pistol. This punk is one of Cupid's carriers:
  Clap on more sails; pursue; up with your fights:
  Give fire: she is my prize, or ocean whelm them all!

[Exit]

• Falstaff. Sayest thou so, old Jack? go thy ways; I'll make
  more of thy old body than I have done. Will they
  yet look after thee? Wilt thou, after the expense
  of so much money, be now a gainer? Good body, I
  thank thee. Let them say 'tis grossly done; so it be 935
  fairly done, no matter.

[Enter BARDOLPH]

• Bardolph. Sir John, there's one Master Brook below would fain
  speak with you, and be acquainted with you; and hath
  sent your worship a morning's draught of sack. 940

• Falstaff. Brook is his name?

• Bardolph. Ay, sir.

• Falstaff. Call him in.
  [Exit BARDOLPH]
  Such Brooks are welcome to me, that o'erflow such 945
  liquor. Ah, ha! Mistress Ford and Mistress Page
  have I encompassed you? go to; via!

[Re-enter BARDOLPH, with FORD disguised]

• Ford. Bless you, sir!

• Falstaff. And you, sir! Would you speak with me? 950

• Ford. I make bold to press with so little preparation upon
  you.

• Falstaff. You're welcome. What's your will? Give us leave, drawer.

[Exit BARDOLPH]

• Ford. Sir, I am a gentleman that have spent much; my name is Brook. 955

• Falstaff. Good Master Brook, I desire more acquaintance of you.

• Ford. Good Sir John, I sue for yours: not to charge you;
  for I must let you understand I think myself in
  better plight for a lender than you are: the which
  hath something embolden'd me to this unseasoned 960
  intrusion; for they say, if money go before, all
  ways do lie open.

• Falstaff. Money is a good soldier, sir, and will on.

• Ford. Troth, and I have a bag of money here troubles me:
  if you will help to bear it, Sir John, take all, or 965
  half, for easing me of the carriage.

• Falstaff. Sir, I know not how I may deserve to be your porter.

• Ford. I will tell you, sir, if you will give me the hearing.

• Falstaff. Speak, good Master Brook: I shall be glad to be
  your servant. 970

• Ford. Sir, I hear you are a scholar,—I will be brief
  with you,—and you have been a man long known to me,
  though I had never so good means, as desire, to make
  myself acquainted with you. I shall discover a
  thing to you, wherein I must very much lay open mine 975
  own imperfection: but, good Sir John, as you have
  one eye upon my follies, as you hear them unfolded,
  turn another into the register of your own; that I
  may pass with a reproof the easier, sith you
  yourself know how easy it is to be such an offender. 980

• Falstaff. Very well, sir; proceed.

• Ford. There is a gentlewoman in this town; her husband's
  name is Ford.

• Falstaff. Well, sir.

• Ford. I have long loved her, and, I protest to you, 985
  bestowed much on her; followed her with a doting
  observance; engrossed opportunities to meet her;
  fee'd every slight occasion that could but niggardly
  give me sight of her; not only bought many presents
  to give her, but have given largely to many to know 990
  what she would have given; briefly, I have pursued
  her as love hath pursued me; which hath been on the
  wing of all occasions. But whatsoever I have
  merited, either in my mind or, in my means, meed,
  I am sure, I have received none; unless experience 995
  be a jewel that I have purchased at an infinite
  rate, and that hath taught me to say this:
  'Love like a shadow flies when substance love pursues;
  Pursuing that that flies, and flying what pursues.'

• Falstaff. Have you received no promise of satisfaction at her hands? 1000

• Ford. Never.

• Falstaff. Have you importuned her to such a purpose?

• Ford. Never.

• Falstaff. Of what quality was your love, then?

• Ford. Like a fair house built on another man's ground; so 1005
  that I have lost my edifice by mistaking the place
  where I erected it.

• Falstaff. To what purpose have you unfolded this to me?

• Ford. When I have told you that, I have told you all.
  Some say, that though she appear honest to me, yet in 1010
  other places she enlargeth her mirth so far that
  there is shrewd construction made of her. Now, Sir
  John, here is the heart of my purpose: you are a
  gentleman of excellent breeding, admirable
  discourse, of great admittance, authentic in your 1015
  place and person, generally allowed for your many
  war-like, court-like, and learned preparations.

• Falstaff. O, sir!

• Ford. Believe it, for you know it. There is money; spend
  it, spend it; spend more; spend all I have; only 1020
  give me so much of your time in exchange of it, as
  to lay an amiable siege to the honesty of this
  Ford's wife: use your art of wooing; win her to
  consent to you: if any man may, you may as soon as
  any. 1025

• Falstaff. Would it apply well to the vehemency of your
  affection, that I should win what you would enjoy?
  Methinks you prescribe to yourself very preposterously.

• Ford. O, understand my drift. She dwells so securely on
  the excellency of her honour, that the folly of my 1030
  soul dares not present itself: she is too bright to
  be looked against. Now, could I could come to her
  with any detection in my hand, my desires had
  instance and argument to commend themselves: I
  could drive her then from the ward of her purity, 1035
  her reputation, her marriage-vow, and a thousand
  other her defences, which now are too too strongly
  embattled against me. What say you to't, Sir John?

• Falstaff. Master Brook, I will first make bold with your
  money; next, give me your hand; and last, as I am a 1040
  gentleman, you shall, if you will, enjoy Ford's wife.

• Ford. O good sir!

• Falstaff. I say you shall.

• Ford. Want no money, Sir John; you shall want none.

• Falstaff. Want no Mistress Ford, Master Brook; you shall want 1045
  none. I shall be with her, I may tell you, by her
  own appointment; even as you came in to me, her
  assistant or go-between parted from me: I say I
  shall be with her between ten and eleven; for at
  that time the jealous rascally knave her husband 1050
  will be forth. Come you to me at night; you shall
  know how I speed.

• Ford. I am blest in your acquaintance. Do you know Ford,
  sir?

• Falstaff. Hang him, poor cuckoldly knave! I know him not: 1055
  yet I wrong him to call him poor; they say the
  jealous wittolly knave hath masses of money; for the
  which his wife seems to me well-favored. I will
  use her as the key of the cuckoldly rogue's coffer;
  and there's my harvest-home. 1060

• Ford. I would you knew Ford, sir, that you might avoid him
  if you saw him.

• Falstaff. Hang him, mechanical salt-butter rogue! I will
  stare him out of his wits; I will awe him with my
  cudgel: it shall hang like a meteor o'er the 1065
  cuckold's horns. Master Brook, thou shalt know I
  will predominate over the peasant, and thou shalt
  lie with his wife. Come to me soon at night.
  Ford's a knave, and I will aggravate his style;
  thou, Master Brook, shalt know him for knave and 1070
  cuckold. Come to me soon at night.

[Exit]

• Ford. What a damned Epicurean rascal is this! My heart is
  ready to crack with impatience. Who says this is
  improvident jealousy? my wife hath sent to him; the 1075
  hour is fixed; the match is made. Would any man
  have thought this? See the hell of having a false
  woman! My bed shall be abused, my coffers
  ransacked, my reputation gnawn at; and I shall not
  only receive this villanous wrong, but stand under 1080
  the adoption of abominable terms, and by him that
  does me this wrong. Terms! names! Amaimon sounds
  well; Lucifer, well; Barbason, well; yet they are
  devils' additions, the names of fiends: but
  Cuckold! Wittol!—Cuckold! the devil himself hath 1085
  not such a name. Page is an ass, a secure ass: he
  will trust his wife; he will not be jealous. I will
  rather trust a Fleming with my butter, Parson Hugh
  the Welshman with my cheese, an Irishman with my
  aqua-vitae bottle, or a thief to walk my ambling 1090
  gelding, than my wife with herself; then she plots,
  then she ruminates, then she devises; and what they
  think in their hearts they may effect, they will
  break their hearts but they will effect. God be
  praised for my jealousy! Eleven o'clock the hour. 1095
  I will prevent this, detect my wife, be revenged on
  Falstaff, and laugh at Page. I will about it;
  better three hours too soon than a minute too late.
  Fie, fie, fie! cuckold! cuckold! cuckold!

[Exit]