Act II, Scene 4

London. The Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap

Enter FRANCIS and another DRAWER

• Francis. What the devil hast thou brought there-apple-johns?
  knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.

• Second Drawer. Mass, thou say'st true. The Prince once set a
  of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more 1230
  Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my
  of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It ang'red
  to the heart; but he hath forgot that.

• Francis. Why, then, cover and set them down; and see if thou
  find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear
  music. 1240

Enter third DRAWER

• Third Drawer. Dispatch! The room where they supp'd is too hot;
  they'll come in straight. 1245

• Francis. Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon;
  they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John
  not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.

• Third Drawer. By the mass, here will be old uds; it will be an
  excellent stratagem.

• Second Drawer. I'll see if I can find out Sneak.

Exeunt second and third DRAWERS

Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET

• Hostess Quickly. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
  good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as
  would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as
  rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too
  canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it 1260
  the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?

• Doll Tearsheet. Better than I was—hem.

• Hostess Quickly. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.
  Lo, here comes Sir John.

Enter FALSTAFF

• Falstaff. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'—Empty the
  Jordan. [Exit FRANCIS]—[Singing] 'And was a worthy king'—
  now, Mistress Doll!

• Hostess Quickly. Sick of a calm; yea, good faith. 1275

• Falstaff. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they
  sick.

• Doll Tearsheet. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
  give me? 1280

• Falstaff. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.

• Doll Tearsheet. I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them
  not.

• Falstaff. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to 1285
  the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you;
  that, my poor virtue, grant that.

• Doll Tearsheet. Yea, joy, our chains and our jewels. 1290

• Falstaff. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to serve
  is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach with
  pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon
  charg'd chambers bravely—

• Doll Tearsheet. Hang yourself, you muddy conger, hang yourself!

• Hostess Quickly. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never
  but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as 1300
  rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with
  confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that
  you. You are the weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier
  vessel.

• Doll Tearsheet. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogs-head?
  There's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him;
  have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold. Come, I'll 1310
  friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars; and
  I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

Re-enter FRANCIS

• Francis. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below and would speak with you.

• Doll Tearsheet. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither; it
  the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England.

• Hostess Quickly. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith!
  must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
  name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes
  swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have
  swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you. 1325

• Falstaff. Dost thou hear, hostess?

• Hostess Quickly. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no 1330
  swaggerers here.

• Falstaff. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.

• Hostess Quickly. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient
  swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick,
  debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me—'twas no longer 1335
  than Wednesday last, i' good faith!—'Neighbour Quickly,'
  he—Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then—'Neighbour
  says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you are
  an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For'
  'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore take 1340
  what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering
  companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you to
  what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers.

• Falstaff. He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith;
  may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
  with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of
  resistance. Call him up, drawer. 1355

Exit FRANCIS

• Hostess Quickly. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
  nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I 1360
  the worse when one says 'swagger.' Feel, masters, how I
  look you, I warrant you.

• Doll Tearsheet. So you do, hostess.

• Hostess Quickly. Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen
  cannot abide swagg'rers.

Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE

• Pistol. God save you, Sir John!

• Falstaff. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you
  a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.

• Pistol. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. 1375

• Falstaff. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend
  her.

• Hostess Quickly. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I'll drink
  more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.

• Pistol. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.

• Doll Tearsheet. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,
  base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy
  rogue, away! I am meat for your master.

• Pistol. I know you, Mistress Dorothy. 1385

• Doll Tearsheet. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By
  wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play
  saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you
  basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?
  God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much! 1390

• Pistol. God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for

• Falstaff. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here. 1395
  Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.

• Hostess Quickly. No, good Captain Pistol; not here, sweet captain.

• Doll Tearsheet. Captain! Thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou not
  to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would
  truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you 1400
  have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? For
  a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,
  rogue! He lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A
  captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as
  as the word 'occupy'; which was an excellent good word before 1405
  was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.

• Bardolph. Pray thee go down, good ancient.

• Falstaff. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.

• Pistol. Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
  her; I'll be reveng'd of her.

• Page. Pray thee go down.

• Pistol. I'll see her damn'd first; to Pluto's damn'd lake, by
  hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile
  Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!
  we not Hiren here? 1420

• Hostess Quickly. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'
  beseek you now, aggravate your choler. 1425

• Pistol. These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses,
  And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
  Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
  Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, 1430
  And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
  King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
  Shall we fall foul for toys?

• Hostess Quickly. By my troth, Captain, these are very bitter words.

• Bardolph. Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl 1435

• Pistol. Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not
  here?

• Hostess Quickly. O' my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the 1440
  good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be
  quiet.

• Pistol. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
  Come, give's some sack.
  'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.' 1445
  Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
  Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
  [Laying down his sword]
  Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?

• Falstaff. Pistol, I would be quiet. 1450

• Pistol. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have seen the
  stars.

• Doll Tearsheet. For God's sake thrust him down stairs; I cannot endure
  fustian rascal. 1455

• Pistol. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?

• Falstaff. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
  Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing
  here. 1460

• Bardolph. Come, get you down stairs.

• Pistol. What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
  [Snatching up his sword]
  Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! 1465
  Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
  Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

• Hostess Quickly. Here's goodly stuff toward!

• Falstaff. Give me my rapier, boy.

• Doll Tearsheet. I pray thee, Jack, I pray thee, do not draw. 1470

• Falstaff. Get you down stairs.

[Drawing and driving PISTOL out]

• Hostess Quickly. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house
  I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant
  Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked 1475

Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH

• Doll Tearsheet. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you 1480
  whoreson little valiant villain, you!

• Hostess Quickly. Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made a
  thrust at your belly.

Re-enter BARDOLPH

• Falstaff. Have you turn'd him out a doors?

• Bardolph. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
  th' shoulder.

• Falstaff. A rascal! to brave me! 1490

• Doll Tearsheet. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
  sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson
  chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous
  Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
  than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain! 1495

• Falstaff. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.

• Doll Tearsheet. Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll
  thee between a pair of sheets.

Enter musicians

• Page. The music is come, sir.

• Falstaff. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. A
  bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver.

• Doll Tearsheet. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou
  whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
  fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch up
  old body for heaven?
  Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers 1510

• Falstaff. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head;
  not bid me remember mine end.

• Doll Tearsheet. Sirrah, what humour's the Prince of?

• Falstaff. A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a
  pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well.

• Doll Tearsheet. They say Poins has a good wit. 1520

• Falstaff. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick
  Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in
  mallet.

• Doll Tearsheet. Why does the Prince love him so, then?

• Falstaff. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a
  quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
  ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys,
  jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, and 1530
  his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and
  no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other
  faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for
  which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such
  another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between 1535
  avoirdupois.

• Henry V. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? 1545

• Edward Poins. Let's beat him before his whore.

• Henry V. Look whe'er the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd
  like a parrot.

• Edward Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so many years
  performance? 1550

• Falstaff. Kiss me, Doll.

• Henry V. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says
  almanac to that?

• Edward Poins. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
  to his master's old tables, his note-book, his

• Falstaff. Thou dost give me flattering busses. 1560

• Doll Tearsheet. By my troth, I kiss thee with a most constant heart.

• Falstaff. I am old, I am old.

• Doll Tearsheet. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
  them all.

• Falstaff. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive 1565
  Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A
  grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone.

• Doll Tearsheet. By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.
  Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. 1570
  hearken a' th' end.

• Falstaff. Some sack, Francis.

• Henry V. [with POINS:] Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing]

• Falstaff. Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou not 1575
  his brother?

• Henry V. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
  lead!

• Falstaff. A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art a

• Henry V. Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.

• Hostess Quickly. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome
  London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales? 1585

• Falstaff. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light
  flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

[Leaning his band upon DOLL]

• Doll Tearsheet. How, you fat fool! I scorn you. 1590

• Edward Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn
  to a merriment, if you take not the heat.

• Henry V. YOU whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak
  me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman! 1595

• Hostess Quickly. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by
  troth.

• Falstaff. Didst thou hear me? 1600

• Henry V. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
  Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
  try my patience.

• Falstaff. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within 1605
  hearing.

• Henry V. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
  then I know how to handle you.

• Falstaff. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.

• Henry V. Not to dispraise me, and call me pander, and 1610
  bread-chipper, and I know not what!

• Falstaff. No abuse, Hal.

• Edward Poins. No abuse!

• Falstaff. No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I
  disprais'd him before the wicked—that the wicked might not 1615
  in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
  careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to give
  thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith,
  none.

• Henry V. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
  make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us?
  she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is 1625
  boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in
  nose, of the wicked?

• Edward Poins. Answer, thou dead elm, answer.

• Falstaff. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable;
  his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
  roast malt-worms. For the boy—there is a good angel about 1635
  but the devil outbids him too.

• Henry V. For the women? 1640

• Falstaff. For one of them—she's in hell already, and burns
  souls. For th' other—I owe her money; and whether she be
  for that, I know not.

• Hostess Quickly. No, I warrant you.

• Falstaff. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for
  Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering
  to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which
  think thou wilt howl. 1650

• Hostess Quickly. All vict'lers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two
  whole Lent? 1655

• Henry V. You, gentlewoman—

• Doll Tearsheet. What says your Grace?

• Falstaff. His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

[Knocking within]

• Hostess Quickly. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,
  Francis.

Enter PETO

• Henry V. Peto, how now! What news?

• Peto. The King your father is at Westminster; 1665
  And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
  Come from the north; and as I came along
  I met and overtook a dozen captains,
  Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
  And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. 1670

• Henry V. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
  So idly to profane the precious time,
  When tempest of commotion, like the south,
  Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
  And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. 1675
  Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH

• Falstaff. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we
  must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within] More
  knocking at the door! 1680
  [Re-enter BARDOLPH]
  How now! What's the matter?

• Bardolph. You must away to court, sir, presently;
  A dozen captains stay at door for you.

• Falstaff. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.—Farewell, 1685
  hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of
  merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when the
  action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
  away post, I will see you again ere I go.

• Doll Tearsheet. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst!
  Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

• Falstaff. Farewell, farewell.

Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

• Hostess Quickly. Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these 1695
  years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted

• Bardolph. [Within] Mistress Tearsheet!

• Hostess Quickly. What's the matter? 1700

• Bardolph. [Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.

• Hostess Quickly. O, run Doll, run, run, good Come. [To BARDOLPH] She
  comes blubber'd.—Yea, will you come, Doll? Exeunt