Act II, Scene 1

London. A street

Enter HOSTESS with two officers, FANG and SNARE

• Hostess Quickly. Master Fang, have you ent'red the action? 720

• Fang. It is ent'red.

• Hostess Quickly. Where's your yeoman? Is't a lusty yeoman? Will 'a
  to't?

• Fang. Sirrah, where's Snare? 725

• Hostess Quickly. O Lord, ay! good Master Snare.

• Snare. Here, here.

• Fang. Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.

• Hostess Quickly. Yea, good Master Snare; I have ent'red him and all.

• Snare. It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab. 730

• Hostess Quickly. Alas the day! take heed of him; he stabb'd me in mine
  house, and that most beastly. In good faith, 'a cares not
  mischief he does, if his weapon be out; he will foin like any
  devil; he will spare neither man, woman, nor child.

• Fang. If I can close with him, I care not for his thrust.

• Hostess Quickly. No, nor I neither; I'll be at your elbow.

• Fang. An I but fist him once; an 'a come but within my vice!

• Hostess Quickly. I am undone by his going; I warrant you, he's an 740
  infinitive thing upon my score. Good Master Fang, hold him
  Good Master Snare, let him not scape. 'A comes continuantly
  Pie-corner—saving your manhoods—to buy a saddle; and he is
  indited to dinner to the Lubber's Head in Lumbert Street, to
  Master Smooth's the silkman. I pray you, since my exion is 745
  ent'red, and my case so openly known to the world, let him be
  brought in to his answer. A hundred mark is a long one for a
  lone woman to bear; and I have borne, and borne, and borne;
  have been fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, and fubb'd off, from
  day to that day, that it is a shame to be thought on. There 750
  honesty in such dealing; unless a woman should be made an ass
  a beast, to bear every knave's wrong.
  [Enter SIR JOHN FALSTAFF, PAGE, and BARDOLPH]
  Yonder he comes; and that arrant malmsey-nose knave,
  with him. Do your offices, do your offices, Master Fang and 755
  Master Snare; do me, do me, do me your offices.

• Falstaff. How now! whose mare's dead? What's the matter? 765

• Fang. Sir John, I arrest you at the suit of Mistress Quickly.

• Falstaff. Away, varlets! Draw, Bardolph. Cut me off the
  head. Throw the quean in the channel.

• Hostess Quickly. Throw me in the channel! I'll throw thee in the 770
  Wilt thou? wilt thou? thou bastardly rogue! Murder, murder!
  thou honeysuckle villain! wilt thou kill God's officers and
  King's? Ah, thou honey-seed rogue! thou art a honey-seed; a
  man-queller and a woman-queller.

• Falstaff. Keep them off, Bardolph.

• Fang. A rescue! a rescue!

• Hostess Quickly. Good people, bring a rescue or two. Thou wot, wot 780
  thou wot, wot ta? Do, do, thou rogue! do, thou hemp-seed!

• Page. Away, you scullion! you rampallian! you fustilarian!
  I'll tickle your catastrophe.

Enter the LORD CHIEF JUSTICE and his men

• Lord Chief Justice. What is the matter? Keep the peace here, ho!

• Hostess Quickly. Good my lord, be good to me. I beseech you, stand to

• Lord Chief Justice. How now, Sir John! what, are you brawling here?
  Doth this become your place, your time, and business? 790
  You should have been well on your way to York.
  Stand from him, fellow; wherefore hang'st thou upon him?

• Hostess Quickly. O My most worshipful lord, an't please your Grace, I
  poor widow of Eastcheap, and he is arrested at my suit.

• Lord Chief Justice. For what sum?

• Hostess Quickly. It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all—all
  have. He hath eaten me out of house and home; he hath put all
  substance into that fat belly of his. But I will have some of
  out again, or I will ride thee a nights like a mare. 800

• Falstaff. I think I am as like to ride the mare, if I have any
  vantage of ground to get up. 805

• Lord Chief Justice. How comes this, Sir John? Fie! What man of good
  temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not
  ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come
  her own?

• Falstaff. What is the gross sum that I owe thee?

• Hostess Quickly. Marry, if thou wert an honest man, thyself and the
  too. Thou didst swear to me upon a parcel-gilt goblet,
  my Dolphin chamber, at the round table, by a sea-coal fire,
  Wednesday in Wheeson week, when the Prince broke thy head for 815
  liking his father to singing-man of Windsor—thou didst swear
  me then, as I was washing thy wound, to marry me and make me
  lady thy wife. Canst thou deny it? Did not goodwife Keech,
  butcher's wife, come in then and call me gossip Quickly?
  in to borrow a mess of vinegar, telling us she had a good 820
  prawns, whereby thou didst desire to eat some, whereby I told
  thee they were ill for green wound? And didst thou not, when
  was gone down stairs, desire me to be no more so familiarity
  such poor people, saying that ere long they should call me
  And didst thou not kiss me, and bid me fetch the thirty 825
  shillings? I put thee now to thy book-oath. Deny it, if thou
  canst.

• Falstaff. My lord, this is a poor mad soul, and she says up and
  down the town that her eldest son is like you. She hath been 840
  good case, and, the truth is, poverty hath distracted her.
  for these foolish officers, I beseech you I may have redress
  against them.

• Lord Chief Justice. Sir John, Sir John, I am well acquainted with
  manner of wrenching the true cause the false way. It is not a
  confident brow, nor the throng of words that come with such
  than impudent sauciness from you, can thrust me from a level
  consideration. You have, as it appears to me, practis'd upon 850
  easy yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your
  both in purse and in person.

• Hostess Quickly. Yea, in truth, my lord.

• Lord Chief Justice. Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her,
  unpay the villainy you have done with her; the one you may do
  with sterling money, and the other with current repentance. 860

• Falstaff. My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply.
  call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will
  curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. No, my lord, my
  duty rememb'red, I will not be your suitor. I say to you I do 865
  desire deliverance from these officers, being upon hasty
  employment in the King's affairs.

• Lord Chief Justice. You speak as having power to do wrong; but
  th' effect of your reputation, and satisfy the poor woman.

• Falstaff. Come hither, hostess.

Enter GOWER

• Lord Chief Justice. Now, Master Gower, what news?

• Gower. The King, my lord, and Harry Prince of Wales
  Are near at hand. The rest the paper tells. [Gives a letter]

• Falstaff. As I am a gentleman!

• Hostess Quickly. Faith, you said so before. 880

• Falstaff. As I am a gentleman! Come, no more words of it.

• Hostess Quickly. By this heavenly ground I tread on, I must be fain to
  both my plate and the tapestry of my dining-chambers.

• Falstaff. Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking; and for thy 885
  walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the
  the German hunting, in water-work, is worth a thousand of
  bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten
  if thou canst. Come, and 'twere not for thy humours, there's
  a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the 890
  action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost
  know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.

• Hostess Quickly. Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles;
  i' faith, I am loath to pawn my plate, so God save me, la!

• Falstaff. Let it alone; I'll make other shift. You'll be a fool 900
  still.

• Hostess Quickly. Well, you shall have it, though I pawn my gown.
  I hope you'll come to supper. you'll pay me all together?

• Falstaff. Will I live? [To BARDOLPH] Go, with her, with her;
  on, hook on. 905

• Hostess Quickly. Will you have Doll Tearsheet meet you at supper?

• Falstaff. No more words; let's have her.

Exeunt HOSTESS, BARDOLPH, and OFFICERS

• Lord Chief Justice. I have heard better news. 910

• Falstaff. What's the news, my lord?

• Lord Chief Justice. Where lay the King to-night?

• Gower. At Basingstoke, my lord.

• Falstaff. I hope, my lord, all's well. What is the news, my

• Lord Chief Justice. Come all his forces back?

• Gower. No; fifteen hundred foot, five hundred horse,
  Are march'd up to my Lord of Lancaster,
  Against Northumberland and the Archbishop.

• Falstaff. Comes the King back from Wales, my noble lord? 920

• Lord Chief Justice. You shall have letters of me presently.
  Come, go along with me, good Master Gower.

• Falstaff. My lord!

• Lord Chief Justice. What's the matter?

• Falstaff. Master Gower, shall I entreat you with me to dinner? 925

• Gower. I must wait upon my good lord here, I thank you, good
  John.

• Lord Chief Justice. Sir John, you loiter here too long, being you
  take soldiers up in counties as you go. 930

• Falstaff. Will you sup with me, Master Gower?

• Lord Chief Justice. What foolish master taught you these manners,
  John?

• Falstaff. Master Gower, if they become me not, he was a fool
  taught them me. This is the right fencing grace, my lord; tap
  tap, and so part fair.

• Lord Chief Justice. Now, the Lord lighten thee! Thou art a great

Exeunt