Act III, Scene 3

Eastcheap. The Boar’s-Head Tavern.

[Enter FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH]

• Falstaff. Bardolph, am I not fallen away vilely since this last
  action? do I not bate? do I not dwindle? Why my
  skin hangs about me like an like an old lady's loose 2010
  gown; I am withered like an old apple-john. Well,
  I'll repent, and that suddenly, while I am in some
  liking; I shall be out of heart shortly, and then I
  shall have no strength to repent. An I have not
  forgotten what the inside of a church is made of, I 2015
  am a peppercorn, a brewer's horse: the inside of a
  church! Company, villanous company, hath been the
  spoil of me.

• Lord Bardolph. Sir John, you are so fretful, you cannot live long.

• Falstaff. Why, there is it: come sing me a bawdy song; make 2020
  me merry. I was as virtuously given as a gentleman
  need to be; virtuous enough; swore little; diced not
  above seven times a week; went to a bawdy-house once
  in a quarter—of an hour; paid money that I
  borrowed, three of four times; lived well and in 2025
  good compass: and now I live out of all order, out
  of all compass.

• Lord Bardolph. Why, you are so fat, Sir John, that you must needs
  be out of all compass, out of all reasonable
  compass, Sir John. 2030

• Falstaff. Do thou amend thy face, and I'll amend my life:
  thou art our admiral, thou bearest the lantern in
  the poop, but 'tis in the nose of thee; thou art the
  Knight of the Burning Lamp.

• Lord Bardolph. Why, Sir John, my face does you no harm. 2035

• Falstaff. No, I'll be sworn; I make as good use of it as many
  a man doth of a Death's-head or a memento mori: I
  never see thy face but I think upon hell-fire and
  Dives that lived in purple; for there he is in his
  robes, burning, burning. If thou wert any way 2040
  given to virtue, I would swear by thy face; my oath
  should be 'By this fire, that's God's angel:' but
  thou art altogether given over; and wert indeed, but
  for the light in thy face, the son of utter
  darkness. When thou rannest up Gadshill in the 2045
  night to catch my horse, if I did not think thou
  hadst been an ignis fatuus or a ball of wildfire,
  there's no purchase in money. O, thou art a
  perpetual triumph, an everlasting bonfire-light!
  Thou hast saved me a thousand marks in links and 2050
  torches, walking with thee in the night betwixt
  tavern and tavern: but the sack that thou hast
  drunk me would have bought me lights as good cheap
  at the dearest chandler's in Europe. I have
  maintained that salamander of yours with fire any 2055
  time this two and thirty years; God reward me for
  it!

• Lord Bardolph. 'Sblood, I would my face were in your belly!

• Falstaff. God-a-mercy! so should I be sure to be heart-burned.
  [Enter Hostess] 2060
  How now, Dame Partlet the hen! have you inquired
  yet who picked my pocket?

• Hostess Quickly. Why, Sir John, what do you think, Sir John? do you
  think I keep thieves in my house? I have searched,
  I have inquired, so has my husband, man by man, boy 2065
  by boy, servant by servant: the tithe of a hair
  was never lost in my house before.

• Falstaff. Ye lie, hostess: Bardolph was shaved and lost many
  a hair; and I'll be sworn my pocket was picked. Go
  to, you are a woman, go. 2070

• Hostess Quickly. Who, I? no; I defy thee: God's light, I was never
  called so in mine own house before.

• Falstaff. Go to, I know you well enough.

• Hostess Quickly. No, Sir John; You do not know me, Sir John. I know
  you, Sir John: you owe me money, Sir John; and now 2075
  you pick a quarrel to beguile me of it: I bought
  you a dozen of shirts to your back.

• Falstaff. Dowlas, filthy dowlas: I have given them away to
  bakers' wives, and they have made bolters of them.

• Hostess Quickly. Now, as I am a true woman, holland of eight 2080
  shillings an ell. You owe money here besides, Sir
  John, for your diet and by-drinkings, and money lent
  you, four and twenty pound.

• Falstaff. He had his part of it; let him pay.

• Hostess Quickly. He? alas, he is poor; he hath nothing. 2085

• Falstaff. How! poor? look upon his face; what call you rich?
  let them coin his nose, let them coin his cheeks:
  Ill not pay a denier. What, will you make a younker
  of me? shall I not take mine case in mine inn but I
  shall have my pocket picked? I have lost a 2090
  seal-ring of my grandfather's worth forty mark.

• Hostess Quickly. O Jesu, I have heard the prince tell him, I know not
  how oft, that ring was copper!

• Falstaff. How! the prince is a Jack, a sneak-cup: 'sblood, an
  he were here, I would cudgel him like a dog, if he 2095
  would say so.
  [Enter PRINCE HENRY and PETO, marching, and FALSTAFF
  meets them playing on his truncheon like a life]
  How now, lad! is the wind in that door, i' faith?
  must we all march? 2100

• Lord Bardolph. Yea, two and two, Newgate fashion.

• Hostess Quickly. My lord, I pray you, hear me.

• Henry V. What sayest thou, Mistress Quickly? How doth thy
  husband? I love him well; he is an honest man.

• Hostess Quickly. Good my lord, hear me. 2105

• Falstaff. Prithee, let her alone, and list to me.

• Henry V. What sayest thou, Jack?

• Falstaff. The other night I fell asleep here behind the arras
  and had my pocket picked: this house is turned
  bawdy-house; they pick pockets. 2110

• Henry V. What didst thou lose, Jack?

• Falstaff. Wilt thou believe me, Hal? three or four bonds of
  forty pound apiece, and a seal-ring of my
  grandfather's.

• Henry V. A trifle, some eight-penny matter. 2115

• Hostess Quickly. So I told him, my lord; and I said I heard your
  grace say so: and, my lord, he speaks most vilely
  of you, like a foul-mouthed man as he is; and said
  he would cudgel you.

• Henry V. What! he did not? 2120

• Hostess Quickly. There's neither faith, truth, nor womanhood in me else.

• Falstaff. There's no more faith in thee than in a stewed
  prune; nor no more truth in thee than in a drawn
  fox; and for womanhood, Maid Marian may be the
  deputy's wife of the ward to thee. Go, you thing, 2125
  go

• Hostess Quickly. Say, what thing? what thing?

• Falstaff. What thing! why, a thing to thank God on.

• Hostess Quickly. I am no thing to thank God on, I would thou
  shouldst know it; I am an honest man's wife: and, 2130
  setting thy knighthood aside, thou art a knave to
  call me so.

• Falstaff. Setting thy womanhood aside, thou art a beast to say
  otherwise.

• Hostess Quickly. Say, what beast, thou knave, thou? 2135

• Falstaff. What beast! why, an otter.

• Henry V. An otter, Sir John! Why an otter?

• Falstaff. Why, she's neither fish nor flesh; a man knows not
  where to have her.

• Hostess Quickly. Thou art an unjust man in saying so: thou or any 2140
  man knows where to have me, thou knave, thou!

• Henry V. Thou sayest true, hostess; and he slanders thee most grossly.

• Hostess Quickly. So he doth you, my lord; and said this other day you
  ought him a thousand pound.

• Henry V. Sirrah, do I owe you a thousand pound? 2145

• Falstaff. A thousand pound, Ha! a million: thy love is worth
  a million: thou owest me thy love.

• Hostess Quickly. Nay, my lord, he called you Jack, and said he would
  cudgel you.

• Falstaff. Did I, Bardolph? 2150

• Lord Bardolph. Indeed, Sir John, you said so.

• Falstaff. Yea, if he said my ring was copper.

• Henry V. I say 'tis copper: darest thou be as good as thy word now?

• Falstaff. Why, Hal, thou knowest, as thou art but man, I dare:
  but as thou art prince, I fear thee as I fear the 2155
  roaring of a lion's whelp.

• Henry V. And why not as the lion?

• Falstaff. The king is to be feared as the lion: dost thou
  think I'll fear thee as I fear thy father? nay, an
  I do, I pray God my girdle break. 2160

• Henry V. O, if it should, how would thy guts fall about thy
  knees! But, sirrah, there's no room for faith,
  truth, nor honesty in this bosom of thine; it is all
  filled up with guts and midriff. Charge an honest
  woman with picking thy pocket! why, thou whoreson, 2165
  impudent, embossed rascal, if there were anything in
  thy pocket but tavern-reckonings, memorandums of
  bawdy-houses, and one poor penny-worth of
  sugar-candy to make thee long-winded, if thy pocket
  were enriched with any other injuries but these, I 2170
  am a villain: and yet you will stand to if; you will
  not pocket up wrong: art thou not ashamed?

• Falstaff. Dost thou hear, Hal? thou knowest in the state of
  innocency Adam fell; and what should poor Jack
  Falstaff do in the days of villany? Thou seest I 2175
  have more flesh than another man, and therefore more
  frailty. You confess then, you picked my pocket?

• Henry V. It appears so by the story.

• Falstaff. Hostess, I forgive thee: go, make ready breakfast;
  love thy husband, look to thy servants, cherish thy 2180
  guests: thou shalt find me tractable to any honest
  reason: thou seest I am pacified still. Nay,
  prithee, be gone.
  [Exit Hostess]
  Now Hal, to the news at court: for the robbery, 2185
  lad, how is that answered?

• Henry V. O, my sweet beef, I must still be good angel to
  thee: the money is paid back again.

• Falstaff. O, I do not like that paying back; 'tis a double labour.

• Henry V. I am good friends with my father and may do any thing. 2190

• Falstaff. Rob me the exchequer the first thing thou doest, and
  do it with unwashed hands too.

• Lord Bardolph. Do, my lord.

• Henry V. I have procured thee, Jack, a charge of foot.

• Falstaff. I would it had been of horse. Where shall I find 2195
  one that can steal well? O for a fine thief, of the
  age of two and twenty or thereabouts! I am
  heinously unprovided. Well, God be thanked for
  these rebels, they offend none but the virtuous: I
  laud them, I praise them. 2200

• Henry V. Bardolph!

• Lord Bardolph. My lord?

• Henry V. Go bear this letter to Lord John of Lancaster, to my
  brother John; this to my Lord of Westmoreland.
  [Exit Bardolph] 2205
  Go, Peto, to horse, to horse; for thou and I have
  thirty miles to ride yet ere dinner time.
  [Exit Peto]
  Jack, meet me to-morrow in the temple hall at two
  o'clock in the afternoon. 2210
  There shalt thou know thy charge; and there receive
  Money and order for their furniture.
  The land is burning; Percy stands on high;
  And either we or they must lower lie.

[Exit PRINCE HENRY]

• Falstaff. Rare words! brave world! Hostess, my breakfast, come!
  O, I could wish this tavern were my drum!

[Exit]