Feste. No, indeed, sir; the Lady Olivia has no folly: she
1265 will keep no fool, sir, till she be married; and
fools are as like husbands as pilchards are to
herrings; the husband's the bigger: I am indeed not
her fool, but her corrupter of words.
Viola. I saw thee late at the Count Orsino's.
Feste. Foolery, sir, does walk about the orb like the sun,
it shines every where. I would be sorry, sir, but
the fool should be as oft with your master as with
my mistress: I think I saw your wisdom there.
Viola. Nay, an thou pass upon me, I'll no more with thee.
1275 Hold, there's expenses for thee.
Feste. Now Jove, in his next commodity of hair, send thee a beard!
Viola. By my troth, I'll tell thee, I am almost sick for
[Aside]1280 though I would not have it grow on my chin. Is thy
Feste. The matter, I hope, is not great, sir, begging but
a beggar: Cressida was a beggar. My lady is
within, sir. I will construe to them whence you
1290 come; who you are and what you would are out of my
welkin, I might say 'element,' but the word is over-worn.
Viola. This fellow is wise enough to play the fool;
And to do that well craves a kind of wit:
1295 He must observe their mood on whom he jests,
The quality of persons, and the time,
And, like the haggard, cheque at every feather
That comes before his eye. This is a practise
As full of labour as a wise man's art
1300 For folly that he wisely shows is fit;
But wise men, folly-fall'n, quite taint their wit.
Olivia. Give me leave, beseech you. I did send,
After the last enchantment you did here,
A ring in chase of you: so did I abuse
1350 Myself, my servant and, I fear me, you:
Under your hard construction must I sit,To force that on you, in a shameful cunning,
Which you knew none of yours: what might you think?
Have you not set mine honour at the stake
And baited it with all the unmuzzled thoughts
1355 That tyrannous heart can think? To one of your receiving
Enough is shown: a cypress, not a bosom,
Hideth my heart. So, let me hear you speak.
Viola. No, not a grize; for 'tis a vulgar proof,
That very oft we pity enemies.
Olivia. Why, then, methinks 'tis time to smile again.
O, world, how apt the poor are to be proud!
If one should be a prey, how much the better
1365 To fall before the lion than the wolf!
[Clock strikes] The clock upbraids me with the waste of time.
Be not afraid, good youth, I will not have you:
And yet, when wit and youth is come to harvest,
1370 Your were is alike to reap a proper man:
There lies your way, due west.
Viola. Then westward-ho! Grace and good disposition
Attend your ladyship!
You'll nothing, madam, to my lord by me?
I prithee, tell me what thou thinkest of me.
Viola. That you do think you are not what you are.
Viola. Would it be better, madam, than I am?
I wish it might, for now I am your fool.
Olivia. O, what a deal of scorn looks beautiful
In the contempt and anger of his lip!
1385 A murderous guilt shows not itself more soon
Than love that would seem hid: love's night is noon.
Cesario, by the roses of the spring,
By maidhood, honour, truth and every thing,
I love thee so, that, maugre all thy pride,
1390 Nor wit nor reason can my passion hide.
Do not extort thy reasons from this clause,
For that I woo, thou therefore hast no cause,
But rather reason thus with reason fetter,
Love sought is good, but given unsought better.
Viola. By innocence I swear, and by my youth
I have one heart, one bosom and one truth,
And that no woman has; nor never none
Shall mistress be of it, save I alone.
And so adieu, good madam: never more
1400 Will I my master's tears to you deplore.
Olivia. Yet come again; for thou perhaps mayst move
That heart, which now abhors, to like his love.
Fabian. I will prove it legitimate, sir, upon the oaths of
judgment and reason.
Sir Toby Belch. And they have been grand-jury-men since before Noah
was a sailor.
Fabian. She did show favour to the youth in your sight only
1420 to exasperate you, to awake your dormouse valour, to
put fire in your heart and brimstone in your liver.
You should then have accosted her; and with some
excellent jests, fire-new from the mint, you should
have banged the youth into dumbness. This was
1425 looked for at your hand, and this was balked: the
double gilt of this opportunity you let time wash
off, and you are now sailed into the north of my
lady's opinion; where you will hang like an icicle
on a Dutchman's beard, unless you do redeem it by
1430 some laudable attempt either of valour or policy.
Sir Andrew Aguecheek. An't be any way, it must be with valour; for policy
I hate: I had as lief be a Brownist as a
Sir Toby Belch. Why, then, build me thy fortunes upon the basis of
1435 valour. Challenge me the count's youth to fight
with him; hurt him in eleven places: my niece shall
take note of it; and assure thyself, there is no
love-broker in the world can more prevail in man's
commendation with woman than report of valour.
Sir Toby Belch. Go, write it in a martial hand; be curst and brief;
it is no matter how witty, so it be eloquent and fun
of invention: taunt him with the licence of ink:
1445 if thou thou'st him some thrice, it shall not be
amiss; and as many lies as will lie in thy sheet of
paper, although the sheet were big enough for the
bed of Ware in England, set 'em down: go, about it.
Let there be gall enough in thy ink, though thou
1450 write with a goose-pen, no matter: about it.
Fabian. This is a dear manikin to you, Sir Toby.
Sir Toby Belch. I have been dear to him, lad, some two thousand
strong, or so.
Fabian. We shall have a rare letter from him: but you'll
Sir Toby Belch. Never trust me, then; and by all means stir on the
1460 youth to an answer. I think oxen and wainropes
cannot hale them together. For Andrew, if he were
opened, and you find so much blood in his liver as
will clog the foot of a flea, I'll eat the rest of
Fabian. And his opposite, the youth, bears in his visage no
great presage of cruelty.
Maria. If you desire the spleen, and will laugh yourself
1470 into stitches, follow me. Yond gull Malvolio is
turned heathen, a very renegado; for there is no
Christian, that means to be saved by believing
rightly, can ever believe such impossible passages
of grossness. He's in yellow stockings.
Maria. Most villanously; like a pedant that keeps a school
i' the church. I have dogged him, like his
murderer. He does obey every point of the letter
that I dropped to betray him: he does smile his
1480 face into more lines than is in the new map with the
augmentation of the Indies: you have not seen such
a thing as 'tis. I can hardly forbear hurling things
at him. I know my lady will strike him: if she do,
he'll smile and take't for a great favour.
Sebastian. I would not by my will have troubled you;
But, since you make your pleasure of your pains,
1490 I will no further chide you.
Antonio. I could not stay behind you: my desire,
More sharp than filed steel, did spur me forth;
And not all love to see you, though so much
As might have drawn one to a longer voyage,
1495 But jealousy what might befall your travel,
Being skilless in these parts; which to a stranger,
Unguided and unfriended, often prove
Rough and unhospitable: my willing love,
The rather by these arguments of fear,
1500 Set forth in your pursuit.
Sebastian. My kind Antonio,
I can no other answer make but thanks,
And thanks; and ever thanks; and oft good turns
Are shuffled off with such uncurrent pay:
1505 But, were my worth as is my conscience firm,
You should find better dealing. What's to do?
Shall we go see the reliques of this town?
Antonio. To-morrow, sir: best first go see your lodging.
Sebastian. I am not weary, and 'tis long to night:
1510 I pray you, let us satisfy our eyes
With the memorials and the things of fame
That do renown this city.
Antonio. Would you'ld pardon me;
I do not without danger walk these streets:
1515 Once, in a sea-fight, 'gainst the count his galleys
I did some service; of such note indeed,
That were I ta'en here it would scarce be answer'd.
Sebastian. Belike you slew great number of his people.
Antonio. The offence is not of such a bloody nature;
1520 Albeit the quality of the time and quarrel
Might well have given us bloody argument.
It might have since been answer'd in repaying
What we took from them; which, for traffic's sake,
Most of our city did: only myself stood out;
1525 For which, if I be lapsed in this place,
I shall pay dear.
Antonio. It doth not fit me. Hold, sir, here's my purse.
In the south suburbs, at the Elephant,
1530 Is best to lodge: I will bespeak our diet,
Whiles you beguile the time and feed your knowledge
With viewing of the town: there shall you have me.
Olivia. I have sent after him: he says he'll come;
How shall I feast him? what bestow of him?
1545 For youth is bought more oft than begg'd or borrow'd.
I speak too loud.
Where is Malvolio? he is sad and civil,
And suits well for a servant with my fortunes:
Where is Malvolio?
Maria. He's coming, madam; but in very strange manner. He
is, sure, possessed, madam.
Olivia. Smilest thou?
I sent for thee upon a sad occasion.
Malvolio. Sad, lady! I could be sad: this does make some
obstruction in the blood, this cross-gartering; but
what of that? if it please the eye of one, it is
with me as the very true sonnet is, 'Please one, and
Olivia. Why, how dost thou, man? what is the matter with thee?
Malvolio. Not black in my mind, though yellow in my legs. It
did come to his hands, and commands shall be
executed: I think we do know the sweet Roman hand.
Servant. Madam, the young gentleman of the Count Orsino's is
returned: I could hardly entreat him back: he
1600 attends your ladyship's pleasure.
Olivia. I'll come to him.
[Exit Servant] Good Maria, let this fellow be looked to. Where's
my cousin Toby? Let some of my people have a special
1605 care of him: I would not have him miscarry for the
half of my dowry.
[Exeunt OLIVIA and MARIA]
Malvolio. O, ho! do you come near me now? no worse man than
Sir Toby to look to me! This concurs directly with
1610 the letter: she sends him on purpose, that I may
appear stubborn to him; for she incites me to that
in the letter. 'Cast thy humble slough,' says she;
'be opposite with a kinsman, surly with servants;
let thy tongue tang with arguments of state; put
1615 thyself into the trick of singularity;' and
consequently sets down the manner how; as, a sad
face, a reverend carriage, a slow tongue, in the
habit of some sir of note, and so forth. I have
limed her; but it is Jove's doing, and Jove make me
1620 thankful! And when she went away now, 'Let this
fellow be looked to:' fellow! not Malvolio, nor
after my degree, but fellow. Why, every thing
adheres together, that no dram of a scruple, no
scruple of a scruple, no obstacle, no incredulous
1625 or unsafe circumstance—What can be said? Nothing
that can be can come between me and the full
prospect of my hopes. Well, Jove, not I, is the
doer of this, and he is to be thanked.
[Re-enter MARIA, with SIR TOBY BELCH and FABIAN]
Sir Toby Belch. Which way is he, in the name of sanctity? If all
the devils of hell be drawn in little, and Legion
himself possessed him, yet I'll speak to him.
Fabian. Here he is, here he is. How is't with you, sir?
how is't with you, man?
Malvolio. Go off; I discard you: let me enjoy my private: go
Maria. Lo, how hollow the fiend speaks within him! did not
I tell you? Sir Toby, my lady prays you to have a
care of him.
Sir Toby Belch. Come, we'll have him in a dark room and bound. My
niece is already in the belief that he's mad: we
may carry it thus, for our pleasure and his penance,
till our very pastime, tired out of breath, prompt
1680 us to have mercy on him: at which time we will
bring the device to the bar and crown thee for a
finder of madmen. But see, but see.
Fabian. Still you keep o' the windy side of the law: good.
Sir Toby Belch. [Reads] 'Fare thee well; and God have mercy upon
one of our souls! He may have mercy upon mine; but
my hope is better, and so look to thyself. Thy
friend, as thou usest him, and thy sworn enemy,
1710 If this letter move him not, his legs cannot:
I'll give't him.
Maria. You may have very fit occasion for't: he is now in
some commerce with my lady, and will by and by depart.
Sir Toby Belch. Go, Sir Andrew: scout me for him at the corner the
1715 orchard like a bum-baily: so soon as ever thou seest
him, draw; and, as thou drawest swear horrible; for
it comes to pass oft that a terrible oath, with a
swaggering accent sharply twanged off, gives manhood
more approbation than ever proof itself would have
1720 earned him. Away!
Sir Toby Belch. Now will not I deliver his letter: for the behavior
of the young gentleman gives him out to be of good
1725 capacity and breeding; his employment between his
lord and my niece confirms no less: therefore this
letter, being so excellently ignorant, will breed no
terror in the youth: he will find it comes from a
clodpole. But, sir, I will deliver his challenge by
1730 word of mouth; set upon Aguecheek a notable report
of valour; and drive the gentleman, as I know his
youth will aptly receive it, into a most hideous
opinion of his rage, skill, fury and impetuosity.
This will so fright them both that they will kill
1735 one another by the look, like cockatrices.
[Re-enter OLIVIA, with VIOLA]
Fabian. Here he comes with your niece: give them way till
he take leave, and presently after him.
Sir Toby Belch. I will meditate the while upon some horrid message
1740 for a challenge.
[Exeunt SIR TOBY BELCH, FABIAN, and MARIA]
Olivia. I have said too much unto a heart of stone
And laid mine honour too unchary out:
There's something in me that reproves my fault;
1745 But such a headstrong potent fault it is,
That it but mocks reproof.
Viola. With the same 'havior that your passion bears
Goes on my master's grief.
Olivia. Here, wear this jewel for me, 'tis my picture;
1750 Refuse it not; it hath no tongue to vex you;
And I beseech you come again to-morrow.
What shall you ask of me that I'll deny,
That honour saved may upon asking give?
Viola. Nothing but this; your true love for my master.
Olivia. How with mine honour may I give him that
Which I have given to you?
Sir Toby Belch. That defence thou hast, betake thee to't: of what
1765 nature the wrongs are thou hast done him, I know
not; but thy intercepter, full of despite, bloody as
the hunter, attends thee at the orchard-end:
dismount thy tuck, be yare in thy preparation, for
thy assailant is quick, skilful and deadly.
Viola. You mistake, sir; I am sure no man hath any quarrel
to me: my remembrance is very free and clear from
any image of offence done to any man.
Sir Toby Belch. You'll find it otherwise, I assure you: therefore,
if you hold your life at any price, betake you to
1775 your guard; for your opposite hath in him what
youth, strength, skill and wrath can furnish man withal.
Sir Toby Belch. He is knight, dubbed with unhatched rapier and on
carpet consideration; but he is a devil in private
1780 brawl: souls and bodies hath he divorced three; and
his incensement at this moment is so implacable,
that satisfaction can be none but by pangs of death
and sepulchre. Hob, nob, is his word; give't or take't.
Viola. I will return again into the house and desire some
1785 conduct of the lady. I am no fighter. I have heard
of some kind of men that put quarrels purposely on
others, to taste their valour: belike this is a man
of that quirk.
Sir Toby Belch. Sir, no; his indignation derives itself out of a
1790 very competent injury: therefore, get you on and
give him his desire. Back you shall not to the
house, unless you undertake that with me which with
as much safety you might answer him: therefore, on,
or strip your sword stark naked; for meddle you
1795 must, that's certain, or forswear to wear iron about you.
Viola. This is as uncivil as strange. I beseech you, do me
this courteous office, as to know of the knight what
my offence to him is: it is something of my
negligence, nothing of my purpose.
Sir Toby Belch. I will do so. Signior Fabian, stay you by this
gentleman till my return.
Fabian. Nothing of that wonderful promise, to read him by
his form, as you are like to find him in the proof
of his valour. He is, indeed, sir, the most skilful,
1810 bloody and fatal opposite that you could possibly
have found in any part of Illyria. Will you walk
towards him? I will make your peace with him if I
Viola. I shall be much bound to you for't: I am one that
1815 had rather go with sir priest than sir knight: I
care not who knows so much of my mettle.
[Re-enter SIR TOBY BELCH, with SIR ANDREW]
Sir Toby Belch. Why, man, he's a very devil; I have not seen such a
1820 firago. I had a pass with him, rapier, scabbard and
all, and he gives me the stuck in with such a mortal
motion, that it is inevitable; and on the answer, he
pays you as surely as your feet hit the ground they
step on. They say he has been fencer to the Sophy.
Sir Toby Belch. Ay, but he will not now be pacified: Fabian can
scarce hold him yonder.
Sir Andrew Aguecheek. Plague on't, an I thought he had been valiant and so
cunning in fence, I'ld have seen him damned ere I'ld
1830 have challenged him. Let him let the matter slip,
and I'll give him my horse, grey Capilet.
Sir Toby Belch. I'll make the motion: stand here, make a good show
on't: this shall end without the perdition of souls.
[Aside]1835 Marry, I'll ride your horse as well as I ride you.
[Re-enter FABIAN and VIOLA] [To FABIAN] I have his horse to take up the quarrel:
I have persuaded him the youth's a devil.
Fabian. He is as horribly conceited of him; and pants and
looks pale, as if a bear were at his heels.
Sir Toby Belch. [To VIOLA] There's no remedy, sir; he will fight
with you for's oath sake: marry, he hath better
bethought him of his quarrel, and he finds that now
1845 scarce to be worth talking of: therefore draw, for
the supportance of his vow; he protests he will not hurt you.
Viola. [Aside] Pray God defend me! A little thing would
make me tell them how much I lack of a man.
Sir Toby Belch. Come, Sir Andrew, there's no remedy; the gentleman
will, for his honour's sake, have one bout with you;
he cannot by the duello avoid it: but he has
promised me, as he is a gentleman and a soldier, he
will not hurt you. Come on; to't.
First Officer. No, sir, no jot; I know your favour well,
Though now you have no sea-cap on your head.
Take him away: he knows I know him well.
Antonio. I must obey.
[To VIOLA] This comes with seeking you:
But there's no remedy; I shall answer it.
What will you do, now my necessity
1885 Makes me to ask you for my purse? It grieves me
Much more for what I cannot do for you
Than what befalls myself. You stand amazed;
But be of comfort.
Antonio. I must entreat of you some of that money.
Viola. What money, sir?
For the fair kindness you have show'd me here,
And, part, being prompted by your present trouble,
Out of my lean and low ability
1895 I'll lend you something: my having is not much;
I'll make division of my present with you:
Hold, there's half my coffer.
Antonio. Will you deny me now?
Is't possible that my deserts to you
1900 Can lack persuasion? Do not tempt my misery,
Lest that it make me so unsound a man
As to upbraid you with those kindnesses
That I have done for you.
Viola. I know of none;
1905 Nor know I you by voice or any feature:
I hate ingratitude more in a man
Than lying, vainness, babbling, drunkenness,
Or any taint of vice whose strong corruption
Inhabits our frail blood.
Antonio. Let me speak a little. This youth that you see here
I snatch'd one half out of the jaws of death,
Relieved him with such sanctity of love,
1915 And to his image, which methought did promise
Most venerable worth, did I devotion.
Antonio. But O how vile an idol proves this god
Thou hast, Sebastian, done good feature shame.
1920 In nature there's no blemish but the mind;
None can be call'd deform'd but the unkind:
Virtue is beauty, but the beauteous evil
Are empty trunks o'erflourish'd by the devil.
First Officer. The man grows mad: away with him! Come, come, sir.
Viola. Methinks his words do from such passion fly,
That he believes himself: so do not I.
Prove true, imagination, O, prove true,
1930 That I, dear brother, be now ta'en for you!
Sir Toby Belch. Come hither, knight; come hither, Fabian: we'll
whisper o'er a couplet or two of most sage saws.
Viola. He named Sebastian: I my brother know
Yet living in my glass; even such and so
1935 In favour was my brother, and he went
Still in this fashion, colour, ornament,
For him I imitate: O, if it prove,
Tempests are kind and salt waves fresh in love.
Sir Toby Belch. A very dishonest paltry boy, and more a coward than
a hare: his dishonesty appears in leaving his
friend here in necessity and denying him; and for
his cowardship, ask Fabian.
Fabian. A coward, a most devout coward, religious in it.