Act III, Scene 3

A street.

[Enter DOGBERRY and VERGES with the Watch]

• Dogberry. Are you good men and true?

• Verges. Yea, or else it were pity but they should suffer
  salvation, body and soul. 1325

• Dogberry. Nay, that were a punishment too good for them, if
  they should have any allegiance in them, being
  chosen for the prince's watch.

• Verges. Well, give them their charge, neighbour Dogberry.

• Dogberry. First, who think you the most desertless man to be 1330
  constable?

• First Watchman. Hugh Otecake, sir, or George Seacole; for they can
  write and read.

• Dogberry. Come hither, neighbour Seacole. God hath blessed
  you with a good name: to be a well-favoured man is 1335
  the gift of fortune; but to write and read comes by nature.

• Second Watchman. Both which, master constable,—

• Dogberry. You have: I knew it would be your answer. Well,
  for your favour, sir, why, give God thanks, and make
  no boast of it; and for your writing and reading, 1340
  let that appear when there is no need of such
  vanity. You are thought here to be the most
  senseless and fit man for the constable of the
  watch; therefore bear you the lantern. This is your
  charge: you shall comprehend all vagrom men; you are 1345
  to bid any man stand, in the prince's name.

• Second Watchman. How if a' will not stand?

• Dogberry. Why, then, take no note of him, but let him go; and
  presently call the rest of the watch together and
  thank God you are rid of a knave. 1350

• Verges. If he will not stand when he is bidden, he is none
  of the prince's subjects.

• Dogberry. True, and they are to meddle with none but the
  prince's subjects. You shall also make no noise in
  the streets; for, for the watch to babble and to 1355
  talk is most tolerable and not to be endured.

• Watchman. We will rather sleep than talk: we know what
  belongs to a watch.

• Dogberry. Why, you speak like an ancient and most quiet
  watchman; for I cannot see how sleeping should 1360
  offend: only, have a care that your bills be not
  stolen. Well, you are to call at all the
  ale-houses, and bid those that are drunk get them to bed.

• Watchman. How if they will not?

• Dogberry. Why, then, let them alone till they are sober: if 1365
  they make you not then the better answer, you may
  say they are not the men you took them for.

• Watchman. Well, sir.

• Dogberry. If you meet a thief, you may suspect him, by virtue
  of your office, to be no true man; and, for such 1370
  kind of men, the less you meddle or make with them,
  why the more is for your honesty.

• Watchman. If we know him to be a thief, shall we not lay
  hands on him?

• Dogberry. Truly, by your office, you may; but I think they 1375
  that touch pitch will be defiled: the most peaceable
  way for you, if you do take a thief, is to let him
  show himself what he is and steal out of your company.

• Verges. You have been always called a merciful man, partner.

• Dogberry. Truly, I would not hang a dog by my will, much more 1380
  a man who hath any honesty in him.

• Verges. If you hear a child cry in the night, you must call
  to the nurse and bid her still it.

• Watchman. How if the nurse be asleep and will not hear us?

• Dogberry. Why, then, depart in peace, and let the child wake 1385
  her with crying; for the ewe that will not hear her
  lamb when it baes will never answer a calf when he bleats.

• Verges. 'Tis very true.

• Dogberry. This is the end of the charge:—you, constable, are
  to present the prince's own person: if you meet the 1390
  prince in the night, you may stay him.

• Verges. Nay, by'r our lady, that I think a' cannot.

• Dogberry. Five shillings to one on't, with any man that knows
  the statutes, he may stay him: marry, not without
  the prince be willing; for, indeed, the watch ought 1395
  to offend no man; and it is an offence to stay a
  man against his will.

• Verges. By'r lady, I think it be so.

• Dogberry. Ha, ha, ha! Well, masters, good night: an there be
  any matter of weight chances, call up me: keep your 1400
  fellows' counsels and your own; and good night.
  Come, neighbour.

• Watchman. Well, masters, we hear our charge: let us go sit here
  upon the church-bench till two, and then all to bed.

• Dogberry. One word more, honest neighbours. I pray you watch 1405
  about Signior Leonato's door; for the wedding being
  there to-morrow, there is a great coil to-night.
  Adieu: be vigitant, I beseech you.

[Exeunt DOGBERRY and VERGES]

[Enter BORACHIO and CONRADE]

• Borachio. What Conrade!

• Watchman. [Aside] Peace! stir not.

• Borachio. Conrade, I say!

• Conrade. Here, man; I am at thy elbow.

• Borachio. Mass, and my elbow itched; I thought there would a 1415
  scab follow.

• Conrade. I will owe thee an answer for that: and now forward
  with thy tale.

• Borachio. Stand thee close, then, under this pent-house, for
  it drizzles rain; and I will, like a true drunkard, 1420
  utter all to thee.

• Watchman. [Aside] Some treason, masters: yet stand close.

• Borachio. Therefore know I have earned of Don John a thousand ducats.

• Conrade. Is it possible that any villany should be so dear?

• Borachio. Thou shouldst rather ask if it were possible any 1425
  villany should be so rich; for when rich villains
  have need of poor ones, poor ones may make what
  price they will.

• Conrade. I wonder at it.

• Borachio. That shows thou art unconfirmed. Thou knowest that 1430
  the fashion of a doublet, or a hat, or a cloak, is
  nothing to a man.

• Conrade. Yes, it is apparel.

• Borachio. I mean, the fashion.

• Conrade. Yes, the fashion is the fashion. 1435

• Borachio. Tush! I may as well say the fool's the fool. But
  seest thou not what a deformed thief this fashion
  is?

• Watchman. [Aside] I know that Deformed; a' has been a vile
  thief this seven year; a' goes up and down like a 1440
  gentleman: I remember his name.

• Borachio. Didst thou not hear somebody?

• Conrade. No; 'twas the vane on the house.

• Borachio. Seest thou not, I say, what a deformed thief this
  fashion is? how giddily a' turns about all the hot 1445
  bloods between fourteen and five-and-thirty?
  sometimes fashioning them like Pharaoh's soldiers
  in the reeky painting, sometime like god Bel's
  priests in the old church-window, sometime like the
  shaven Hercules in the smirched worm-eaten tapestry, 1450
  where his codpiece seems as massy as his club?

• Conrade. All this I see; and I see that the fashion wears
  out more apparel than the man. But art not thou
  thyself giddy with the fashion too, that thou hast
  shifted out of thy tale into telling me of the fashion? 1455

• Borachio. Not so, neither: but know that I have to-night
  wooed Margaret, the Lady Hero's gentlewoman, by the
  name of Hero: she leans me out at her mistress'
  chamber-window, bids me a thousand times good
  night,—I tell this tale vilely:—I should first 1460
  tell thee how the prince, Claudio and my master,
  planted and placed and possessed by my master Don
  John, saw afar off in the orchard this amiable encounter.

• Conrade. And thought they Margaret was Hero?

• Borachio. Two of them did, the prince and Claudio; but the 1465
  devil my master knew she was Margaret; and partly
  by his oaths, which first possessed them, partly by
  the dark night, which did deceive them, but chiefly
  by my villany, which did confirm any slander that
  Don John had made, away went Claudio enraged; swore 1470
  he would meet her, as he was appointed, next morning
  at the temple, and there, before the whole
  congregation, shame her with what he saw o'er night
  and send her home again without a husband.

• First Watchman. We charge you, in the prince's name, stand! 1475

• Second Watchman. Call up the right master constable. We have here
  recovered the most dangerous piece of lechery that
  ever was known in the commonwealth.

• First Watchman. And one Deformed is one of them: I know him; a'
  wears a lock. 1480

• Conrade. Masters, masters,—

• Second Watchman. You'll be made bring Deformed forth, I warrant you.

• Conrade. Masters,—

• First Watchman. Never speak: we charge you let us obey you to go with us.

• Borachio. We are like to prove a goodly commodity, being taken 1485
  up of these men's bills.

• Conrade. A commodity in question, I warrant you. Come, we'll obey you.

[Exeunt]