History of Henry IV, Part II

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Act II, Scene 4

London. The Boar’s Head Tavern in Eastcheap

       
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Enter FRANCIS and another DRAWER

  • Francis. What the devil hast thou brought there-apple-johns?
    knowest Sir John cannot endure an apple-john.
  • Second Drawer. Mass, thou say'st true. The Prince once set a
    of apple-johns before him, and told him there were five more 1230
    Johns; and, putting off his hat, said 'I will now take my
    of these six dry, round, old, withered knights.' It ang'red
    to the heart; but he hath forgot that.
  • Francis. Why, then, cover and set them down; and see if thou
    find out Sneak's noise; Mistress Tearsheet would fain hear
    music. 1240

Enter third DRAWER

  • Third Drawer. Dispatch! The room where they supp'd is too hot;
    they'll come in straight. 1245
  • Francis. Sirrah, here will be the Prince and Master Poins anon;
    they will put on two of our jerkins and aprons; and Sir John
    not know of it. Bardolph hath brought word.
  • Third Drawer. By the mass, here will be old uds; it will be an
    excellent stratagem.

Exeunt second and third DRAWERS

Enter HOSTESS and DOLL TEARSHEET

  • Hostess Quickly. I' faith, sweetheart, methinks now you are in an
    good temperality. Your pulsidge beats as extraordinarily as
    would desire; and your colour, I warrant you, is as red as
    rose, in good truth, la! But, i' faith, you have drunk too
    canaries; and that's a marvellous searching wine, and it 1260
    the blood ere one can say 'What's this?' How do you now?
  • Hostess Quickly. Why, that's well said; a good heart's worth gold.
    Lo, here comes Sir John.

Enter FALSTAFF

  • Falstaff. [Singing] 'When Arthur first in court'—Empty the
    Jordan. [Exit FRANCIS][Singing] 'And was a worthy king'—
    now, Mistress Doll!
  • Falstaff. So is all her sect; and they be once in a calm, they
    sick.
  • Doll Tearsheet. A pox damn you, you muddy rascal! Is that all the comfort
    give me? 1280
  • Falstaff. You make fat rascals, Mistress Doll.
  • Doll Tearsheet. I make them! Gluttony and diseases make them: I make them
    not.
  • Falstaff. If the cook help to make the gluttony, you help to 1285
    the diseases, Doll. We catch of you, Doll, we catch of you;
    that, my poor virtue, grant that.
  • Falstaff. 'Your brooches, pearls, and ouches.' For to serve
    is to come halting off; you know, to come off the breach with
    pike bent bravely, and to surgery bravely; to venture upon
    charg'd chambers bravely—
  • Hostess Quickly. By my troth, this is the old fashion; you two never
    but you fall to some discord. You are both, i' good truth, as 1300
    rheumatic as two dry toasts; you cannot one bear with
    confirmities. What the good-year! one must bear, and that
    you. You are the weaker vessel, as as they say, the emptier
    vessel.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Can a weak empty vessel bear such a huge full hogs-head?
    There's a whole merchant's venture of Bourdeaux stuff in him;
    have not seen a hulk better stuff'd in the hold. Come, I'll 1310
    friends with thee, Jack. Thou art going to the wars; and
    I shall ever see thee again or no, there is nobody cares.

Re-enter FRANCIS

  • Francis. Sir, Ancient Pistol's below and would speak with you.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Hang him, swaggering rascal! Let him not come hither; it
    the foul-mouth'dst rogue in England.
  • Hostess Quickly. If he swagger, let him not come here. No, by my faith!
    must live among my neighbours; I'll no swaggerers. I am in
    name and fame with the very best. Shut the door. There comes
    swaggerers here; I have not liv'd all this while to have
    swaggering now. Shut the door, I pray you. 1325
  • Hostess Quickly. Pray ye, pacify yourself, Sir John; there comes no 1330
    swaggerers here.
  • Falstaff. Dost thou hear? It is mine ancient.
  • Hostess Quickly. Tilly-fally, Sir John, ne'er tell me; and your ancient
    swagg'rer comes not in my doors. I was before Master Tisick,
    debuty, t' other day; and, as he said to me—'twas no longer 1335
    than Wednesday last, i' good faith!—'Neighbour Quickly,'
    he—Master Dumbe, our minister, was by then—'Neighbour
    says he 'receive those that are civil, for' said he 'you are
    an ill name.' Now 'a said so, I can tell whereupon. 'For'
    'you are an honest woman and well thought on, therefore take 1340
    what guests you receive. Receive' says he 'no swaggering
    companions.' There comes none here. You would bless you to
    what he said. No, I'll no swagg'rers.
  • Falstaff. He's no swagg'rer, hostess; a tame cheater, i' faith;
    may stroke him as gently as a puppy greyhound. He'll not
    with a Barbary hen, if her feathers turn back in any show of
    resistance. Call him up, drawer. 1355

Exit FRANCIS

  • Hostess Quickly. Cheater, call you him? I will bar no honest man my
    nor no cheater; but I do not love swaggering, by my troth. I 1360
    the worse when one says 'swagger.' Feel, masters, how I
    look you, I warrant you.
  • Hostess Quickly. Do I? Yea, in very truth, do I, an 'twere an aspen
    cannot abide swagg'rers.

Enter PISTOL, BARDOLPH, and PAGE

  • Pistol. God save you, Sir John!
  • Falstaff. Welcome, Ancient Pistol. Here, Pistol, I charge you
    a cup of sack; do you discharge upon mine hostess.
  • Pistol. I will discharge upon her, Sir John, with two bullets. 1375
  • Falstaff. She is pistol-proof, sir; you shall not hardly offend
    her.
  • Hostess Quickly. Come, I'll drink no proofs nor no bullets. I'll drink
    more than will do me good, for no man's pleasure, I.
  • Pistol. Then to you, Mistress Dorothy; I will charge you.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Charge me! I scorn you, scurvy companion. What! you poor,
    base, rascally, cheating, lack-linen mate! Away, you mouldy
    rogue, away! I am meat for your master.
  • Pistol. I know you, Mistress Dorothy. 1385
  • Doll Tearsheet. Away, you cut-purse rascal! you filthy bung, away! By
    wine, I'll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps, an you play
    saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal! you
    basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir?
    God's light, with two points on your shoulder? Much! 1390
  • Pistol. God let me not live but I will murder your ruff for
  • Falstaff. No more, Pistol; I would not have you go off here. 1395
    Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Captain! Thou abominable damn'd cheater, art thou not
    to be called captain? An captains were of my mind, they would
    truncheon you out, for taking their names upon you before you 1400
    have earn'd them. You a captain! you slave, for what? For
    a poor whore's ruff in a bawdy-house? He a captain! hang him,
    rogue! He lives upon mouldy stew'd prunes and dried cakes. A
    captain! God's light, these villains will make the word as
    as the word 'occupy'; which was an excellent good word before 1405
    was ill sorted. Therefore captains had need look to't.
  • Bardolph. Pray thee go down, good ancient.
  • Falstaff. Hark thee hither, Mistress Doll.
  • Pistol. Not I! I tell thee what, Corporal Bardolph, I could
    her; I'll be reveng'd of her.
  • Page. Pray thee go down.
  • Pistol. I'll see her damn'd first; to Pluto's damn'd lake, by
    hand, to th' infernal deep, with Erebus and tortures vile
    Hold hook and line, say I. Down, down, dogs! down, faitors!
    we not Hiren here? 1420
  • Hostess Quickly. Good Captain Peesel, be quiet; 'tis very late, i'
    beseek you now, aggravate your choler. 1425
  • Pistol. These be good humours, indeed! Shall packhorses,
    And hollow pamper'd jades of Asia,
    Which cannot go but thirty mile a day,
    Compare with Caesars, and with Cannibals, 1430
    And Troiant Greeks? Nay, rather damn them with
    King Cerberus; and let the welkin roar.
    Shall we fall foul for toys?
  • Bardolph. Be gone, good ancient; this will grow to a brawl 1435
  • Pistol. Die men like dogs! Give crowns like pins! Have we not
    here?
  • Hostess Quickly. O' my word, Captain, there's none such here. What the 1440
    good-year! do you think I would deny her? For God's sake, be
    quiet.
  • Pistol. Then feed and be fat, my fair Calipolis.
    Come, give's some sack.
    'Si fortune me tormente sperato me contento.' 1445
    Fear we broadsides? No, let the fiend give fire.
    Give me some sack; and, sweetheart, lie thou there.
    [Laying down his sword]
    Come we to full points here, and are etceteras nothings?
  • Falstaff. Pistol, I would be quiet. 1450
  • Pistol. Sweet knight, I kiss thy neaf. What! we have seen the
    stars.
  • Doll Tearsheet. For God's sake thrust him down stairs; I cannot endure
    fustian rascal. 1455
  • Pistol. Thrust him down stairs! Know we not Galloway nags?
  • Falstaff. Quoit him down, Bardolph, like a shove-groat
    Nay, an 'a do nothing but speak nothing, 'a shall be nothing
    here. 1460
  • Pistol. What! shall we have incision? Shall we imbrue?
    [Snatching up his sword]
    Then death rock me asleep, abridge my doleful days! 1465
    Why, then, let grievous, ghastly, gaping wounds
    Untwine the Sisters Three! Come, Atropos, I say!

[Drawing and driving PISTOL out]

  • Hostess Quickly. Here's a goodly tumult! I'll forswear keeping house
    I'll be in these tirrits and frights. So; murder, I warrant
    Alas, alas! put up your naked weapons, put up your naked 1475

Exeunt PISTOL and BARDOLPH

  • Doll Tearsheet. I pray thee, Jack, be quiet; the rascal's gone. Ah, you 1480
    whoreson little valiant villain, you!
  • Hostess Quickly. Are you not hurt i' th' groin? Methought 'a made a
    thrust at your belly.

Re-enter BARDOLPH

  • Falstaff. Have you turn'd him out a doors?
  • Bardolph. Yea, sir. The rascal's drunk. You have hurt him, sir,
    th' shoulder.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Ah, you sweet little rogue, you! Alas, poor ape, how thou
    sweat'st! Come, let me wipe thy face. Come on, you whoreson
    chops. Ah, rogue! i' faith, I love thee. Thou art as valorous
    Hector of Troy, worth five of Agamemnon, and ten times better
    than the Nine Worthies. Ah, villain! 1495
  • Falstaff. A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
  • Doll Tearsheet. Do, an thou dar'st for thy heart. An thou dost, I'll
    thee between a pair of sheets.

Enter musicians

  • Page. The music is come, sir.
  • Falstaff. Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Don. A
    bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quick-silver.
  • Doll Tearsheet. I' faith, and thou follow'dst him like a church. Thou
    whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou
    fighting a days and foining a nights, and begin to patch up
    old body for heaven?
    Enter, behind, PRINCE HENRY and POINS disguised as drawers 1510
  • Falstaff. Peace, good Doll! Do not speak like a death's-head;
    not bid me remember mine end.
  • Falstaff. A good shallow young fellow. 'A would have made a
    pantler; 'a would ha' chipp'd bread well.
  • Falstaff. He a good wit! hang him, baboon! His wit's as thick
    Tewksbury mustard; there's no more conceit in him than is in
    mallet.
  • Falstaff. Because their legs are both of a bigness, and 'a
    quoits well, and eats conger and fennel, and drinks off
    ends for flap-dragons, and rides the wild mare with the boys,
    jumps upon join'd-stools, and swears with a good grace, and 1530
    his boots very smooth, like unto the sign of the Leg, and
    no bate with telling of discreet stories; and such other
    faculties 'a has, that show a weak mind and an able body, for
    which the Prince admits him. For the Prince himself is such
    another; the weight of a hair will turn the scales between 1535
    avoirdupois.
  • Henry V. Would not this nave of a wheel have his ears cut off? 1545
  • Henry V. Look whe'er the wither'd elder hath not his poll claw'd
    like a parrot.
  • Edward Poins. Is it not strange that desire should so many years
    performance? 1550
  • Henry V. Saturn and Venus this year in conjunction! What says
    almanac to that?
  • Edward Poins. And look whether the fiery Trigon, his man, be not
    to his master's old tables, his note-book, his
  • Falstaff. Thou dost give me flattering busses. 1560
  • Doll Tearsheet. I love thee better than I love e'er a scurvy young boy of
    them all.
  • Falstaff. What stuff wilt have a kirtle of? I shall receive 1565
    Thursday. Shalt have a cap to-morrow. A merry song, come. 'A
    grows late; we'll to bed. Thou't forget me when I am gone.
  • Doll Tearsheet. By my troth, thou't set me a-weeping, an thou say'st so.
    Prove that ever I dress myself handsome till thy return. 1570
    hearken a' th' end.
  • Henry V. [with POINS:] Anon, anon, sir. [Advancing]
  • Falstaff. Ha! a bastard son of the King's? And art thou not 1575
    his brother?
  • Henry V. Why, thou globe of sinful continents, what a life dost
    lead!
  • Falstaff. A better than thou. I am a gentleman: thou art a
  • Henry V. Very true, sir, and I come to draw you out by the ears.
  • Hostess Quickly. O, the Lord preserve thy Grace! By my troth, welcome
    London. Now the Lord bless that sweet face of thine. O Jesu, are you come from Wales? 1585
  • Falstaff. Thou whoreson mad compound of majesty, by this light
    flesh and corrupt blood, thou art welcome.

[Leaning his band upon DOLL]

  • Edward Poins. My lord, he will drive you out of your revenge and turn
    to a merriment, if you take not the heat.
  • Henry V. YOU whoreson candle-mine, you, how vilely did you speak
    me even now before this honest, virtuous, civil gentlewoman! 1595
  • Hostess Quickly. God's blessing of your good heart! and so she is, by
    troth.
  • Henry V. Yea; and you knew me, as you did when you ran away by
    Gadshill. You knew I was at your back, and spoke it on
    try my patience.
  • Falstaff. No, no, no; not so; I did not think thou wast within 1605
    hearing.
  • Henry V. I shall drive you then to confess the wilful abuse, and
    then I know how to handle you.
  • Falstaff. No abuse, Hal, o' mine honour; no abuse.
  • Henry V. Not to dispraise me, and call me pander, and 1610
    bread-chipper, and I know not what!
  • Falstaff. No abuse, Ned, i' th' world; honest Ned, none. I
    disprais'd him before the wicked—that the wicked might not 1615
    in love with thee; in which doing, I have done the part of a
    careful friend and a true subject; and thy father is to give
    thanks for it. No abuse, Hal; none, Ned, none; no, faith,
    none.
  • Henry V. See now, whether pure fear and entire cowardice doth
    make thee wrong this virtuous gentlewoman to close with us?
    she of the wicked? Is thine hostess here of the wicked? Or is 1625
    boy of the wicked? Or honest Bardolph, whose zeal burns in
    nose, of the wicked?
  • Falstaff. The fiend hath prick'd down Bardolph irrecoverable;
    his face is Lucifer's privy-kitchen, where he doth nothing
    roast malt-worms. For the boy—there is a good angel about 1635
    but the devil outbids him too.
  • Falstaff. For one of them—she's in hell already, and burns
    souls. For th' other—I owe her money; and whether she be
    for that, I know not.
  • Falstaff. No, I think thou art not; I think thou art quit for
    Marry, there is another indictment upon thee for suffering
    to be eaten in thy house, contrary to the law; for the which
    think thou wilt howl. 1650
  • Hostess Quickly. All vict'lers do so. What's a joint of mutton or two
    whole Lent? 1655
  • Falstaff. His Grace says that which his flesh rebels against.

[Knocking within]

  • Hostess Quickly. Who knocks so loud at door? Look to th' door there,
    Francis.

Enter PETO

  • Henry V. Peto, how now! What news?
  • Peto. The King your father is at Westminster; 1665
    And there are twenty weak and wearied posts
    Come from the north; and as I came along
    I met and overtook a dozen captains,
    Bare-headed, sweating, knocking at the taverns,
    And asking every one for Sir John Falstaff. 1670
  • Henry V. By heaven, Poins, I feel me much to blame
    So idly to profane the precious time,
    When tempest of commotion, like the south,
    Borne with black vapour, doth begin to melt
    And drop upon our bare unarmed heads. 1675
    Give me my sword and cloak. Falstaff, good night.

Exeunt PRINCE, POINS, PETO, and BARDOLPH

  • Falstaff. Now comes in the sweetest morsel of the night, and we
    must hence, and leave it unpick'd. [Knocking within] More
    knocking at the door! 1680
    [Re-enter BARDOLPH]
    How now! What's the matter?
  • Bardolph. You must away to court, sir, presently;
    A dozen captains stay at door for you.
  • Falstaff. [To the PAGE]. Pay the musicians, sirrah.—Farewell, 1685
    hostess; farewell, Doll. You see, my good wenches, how men of
    merit are sought after; the undeserver may sleep, when the
    action is call'd on. Farewell, good wenches. If I be not sent
    away post, I will see you again ere I go.
  • Doll Tearsheet. I cannot speak. If my heart be not ready to burst!
    Well, sweet Jack, have a care of thyself.

Exeunt FALSTAFF and BARDOLPH

  • Hostess Quickly. Well, fare thee well. I have known thee these 1695
    years, come peascod-time; but an honester and truer-hearted
  • Bardolph. [Within] Bid Mistress Tearsheet come to my master.
  • Hostess Quickly. O, run Doll, run, run, good Come. [To BARDOLPH] She
    comes blubber'd.—Yea, will you come, Doll? Exeunt

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