[Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Ephesus and the Officer]
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Fear me not, man; I will not break away:
I'll give thee, ere I leave thee, so much money,
To warrant thee, as I am 'rested for.
My wife is in a wayward mood to-day,
And will not lightly trust the messenger
That I should be attach'd in Ephesus,
I tell you, 'twill sound harshly in her ears.
[Enter DROMIO of Ephesus with a rope's-end]
Here comes my man; I think he brings the money.
How now, sir! have you that I sent you for?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Here's that, I warrant you, will pay them all.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. But where's the money?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Why, sir, I gave the money for the rope.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Five hundred ducats, villain, for a rope?
- Dromio of Ephesus. I'll serve you, sir, five hundred at the rate.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. To what end did I bid thee hie thee home?
- Dromio of Ephesus. To a rope's-end, sir; and to that end am I returned.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. And to that end, sir, I will welcome you.
- Officer. Good sir, be patient.
- Dromio of Ephesus. Nay, 'tis for me to be patient; I am in adversity.
- Officer. Good, now, hold thy tongue.
- Dromio of Ephesus. Nay, rather persuade him to hold his hands.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Thou whoreson, senseless villain!
- Dromio of Ephesus. I would I were senseless, sir, that I might not feel
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Thou art sensible in nothing but blows, and so is an
- Dromio of Ephesus. I am an ass, indeed; you may prove it by my long
ears. I have served him from the hour of my
nativity to this instant, and have nothing at his
hands for my service but blows. When I am cold, he
heats me with beating; when I am warm, he cools me
with beating; I am waked with it when I sleep;
raised with it when I sit; driven out of doors with
it when I go from home; welcomed home with it when
I return; nay, I bear it on my shoulders, as a
beggar wont her brat; and, I think when he hath
lamed me, I shall beg with it from door to door.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Come, go along; my wife is coming yonder.
[Enter ADRIANA, LUCIANA, the Courtezan, and PINCH]
- Dromio of Ephesus. Mistress, 'respice finem,' respect your end; or
rather, the prophecy like the parrot, 'beware the
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Wilt thou still talk?
- Courtezan. How say you now? is not your husband mad?
- Adriana. His incivility confirms no less.
Good Doctor Pinch, you are a conjurer;
Establish him in his true sense again,
And I will please you what you will demand.
- Luciana. Alas, how fiery and how sharp he looks!
- Courtezan. Mark how he trembles in his ecstasy!
- Pinch. Give me your hand and let me feel your pulse.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. There is my hand, and let it feel your ear.
- Pinch. I charge thee, Satan, housed within this man,
To yield possession to my holy prayers
And to thy state of darkness hie thee straight:
I conjure thee by all the saints in heaven!
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Peace, doting wizard, peace! I am not mad.
- Adriana. O, that thou wert not, poor distressed soul!
- Antipholus of Ephesus. You minion, you, are these your customers?
Did this companion with the saffron face
Revel and feast it at my house to-day,
Whilst upon me the guilty doors were shut
And I denied to enter in my house?
- Adriana. O husband, God doth know you dined at home;
Where would you had remain'd until this time,
Free from these slanders and this open shame!
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Dined at home! Thou villain, what sayest thou?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Sir, sooth to say, you did not dine at home.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Were not my doors lock'd up and I shut out?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Perdie, your doors were lock'd and you shut out.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. And did not she herself revile me there?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Sans fable, she herself reviled you there.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Did not her kitchen-maid rail, taunt, and scorn me?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Certes, she did; the kitchen-vestal scorn'd you.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. And did not I in rage depart from thence?
- Dromio of Ephesus. In verity you did; my bones bear witness,
That since have felt the vigour of his rage.
- Adriana. Is't good to soothe him in these contraries?
- Pinch. It is no shame: the fellow finds his vein,
And yielding to him humours well his frenzy.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Thou hast suborn'd the goldsmith to arrest me.
- Adriana. Alas, I sent you money to redeem you,
By Dromio here, who came in haste for it.
- Dromio of Ephesus. Money by me! heart and goodwill you might;
But surely master, not a rag of money.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Went'st not thou to her for a purse of ducats?
- Adriana. He came to me and I deliver'd it.
- Luciana. And I am witness with her that she did.
- Dromio of Ephesus. God and the rope-maker bear me witness
That I was sent for nothing but a rope!
- Pinch. Mistress, both man and master is possess'd;
I know it by their pale and deadly looks:
They must be bound and laid in some dark room.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Say, wherefore didst thou lock me forth to-day?
And why dost thou deny the bag of gold?
- Adriana. I did not, gentle husband, lock thee forth.
- Dromio of Ephesus. And, gentle master, I received no gold;
But I confess, sir, that we were lock'd out.
- Adriana. Dissembling villain, thou speak'st false in both.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Dissembling harlot, thou art false in all;
And art confederate with a damned pack
To make a loathsome abject scorn of me:
But with these nails I'll pluck out these false eyes
That would behold in me this shameful sport.
[Enter three or four, and offer to bind him.]
- Adriana. O, bind him, bind him! let him not come near me.
- Pinch. More company! The fiend is strong within him.
- Luciana. Ay me, poor man, how pale and wan he looks!
- Antipholus of Ephesus. What, will you murder me? Thou gaoler, thou,
I am thy prisoner: wilt thou suffer them
To make a rescue?
- Officer. Masters, let him go
He is my prisoner, and you shall not have him.
- Pinch. Go bind this man, for he is frantic too.
[They offer to bind Dromio of Ephesus]
- Adriana. What wilt thou do, thou peevish officer?
Hast thou delight to see a wretched man
Do outrage and displeasure to himself?
- Officer. He is my prisoner: if I let him go,
The debt he owes will be required of me.
- Adriana. I will discharge thee ere I go from thee:
Bear me forthwith unto his creditor,
And, knowing how the debt grows, I will pay it.
Good master doctor, see him safe convey'd
Home to my house. O most unhappy day!
- Antipholus of Ephesus. O most unhappy strumpet!
- Dromio of Ephesus. Master, I am here entered in bond for you.
- Antipholus of Ephesus. Out on thee, villain! wherefore dost thou mad me?
- Dromio of Ephesus. Will you be bound for nothing? be mad, good master:
cry 'The devil!'
- Luciana. God help, poor souls, how idly do they talk!
- Adriana. Go bear him hence. Sister, go you with me.
[Exeunt all but Adriana, Luciana, Officer and]
Say now, whose suit is he arrested at?
- Officer. One Angelo, a goldsmith: do you know him?
- Adriana. I know the man. What is the sum he owes?
- Officer. Two hundred ducats.
- Adriana. Say, how grows it due?
- Officer. Due for a chain your husband had of him.
- Adriana. He did bespeak a chain for me, but had it not.
- Courtezan. When as your husband all in rage to-day
Came to my house and took away my ring—
The ring I saw upon his finger now—
Straight after did I meet him with a chain.
- Adriana. It may be so, but I did never see it.
Come, gaoler, bring me where the goldsmith is:
I long to know the truth hereof at large.
[Enter ANTIPHOLUS of Syracuse with his rapier drawn,]
and DROMIO of Syracuse]
- Luciana. God, for thy mercy! they are loose again.
- Adriana. And come with naked swords.
Let's call more help to have them bound again.
- Officer. Away! they'll kill us.
[Exeunt all but Antipholus of Syracuse and Dromio]
- Antipholus of Syracuse. I see these witches are afraid of swords.
- Dromio of Syracuse. She that would be your wife now ran from you.
- Antipholus of Syracuse. Come to the Centaur; fetch our stuff from thence:
I long that we were safe and sound aboard.
- Dromio of Syracuse. Faith, stay here this night; they will surely do us
no harm: you saw they speak us fair, give us gold:
methinks they are such a gentle nation that, but for
the mountain of mad flesh that claims marriage of
me, I could find in my heart to stay here still and
- Antipholus of Syracuse. I will not stay to-night for all the town;
Therefore away, to get our stuff aboard.